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Rock Painter: All right everyone quiet please. Settle down please, I'm trying to work here. Gran, I can't have you there...You've got to move to the front here...there, next to Mum, lovely. Big Sis, thank you so much but please move back to where you were in the first place. Trunk, fill the gap...There's the gap. Work with me people. Cavegirl I can't have you there. Behind Larch, Treetop and Volcano. Right behind there. Excuse me...Thank you very much...and...big smiles...Perfect...Now hold that for two days please
[Rock Painter starts painting on rock. Tribe is getting bored, Dad is snoring] Mum: Oi! Dad: I'm having a power nap Mum: It's not as if you've done any work in the last week Cavegirl: Last week? Last year more like Dad: Any more comments like that from you young lady and you'll go straight to your cave Cavegirl: Yes please Mum: She's right. You never do any work. Who fetches the water? Cavegirl: Me Mum: Who milks the goats? Cavegirl: Me Mum: Picks the oogli fruits? Cavegirl: Me Mum: Skins the hogs? Gran: Me Mum: Gets the firewood? Catches fish? Cooks, cleans, weaves, bakes...me! Rock Painter: Could you keep still please?! Dad: I'm the one whose got to delegate. It's a very special skill Cavegirl: (in dad-mocking tone) Cavegirl, fetch the water...How do you do it dad? Dad: Ooo listen. Although it may look like I don't do stuff but I do loads of stuff. All over the place. You'd soon feel the pinch if I wasn't here I'm tellin' yer Cavegirl: Actually, the reason you don't do anything is...you can't Dad: What? Yes I can Cavegirl: Prove it then Mum: She's right Dad: I, I, I, I, I see yeah yeah yeah ganging up on me now are we? Um, I'll take you on. Give me a job, I'll do it Cavegirl: OK. Milk the goats Dad: Goats...milked. Doddle. Follow me [Everyone leaves] Rock Painter: Now if you could just...this is why I hate tribal paintings...drives me mad. I don't think this kind of hack would work anyway. I...am...an artist. I, I have a vision. I don't just...paint. I, I, I, I, I, imagine...yaww [Dad struggling to get close to goat] Cavegirl: OK, forget the goat. Wash up [Dad manages to drop and smash bowl] Cavegirl: Right, forget it. Fetch the water [Dad gets skin stuck at the top and falls in well] Cavegirl: Moving on then, fruit picking [Dad throws big rock into tree as tribe scatters] Dad: Well, it's been a very educational day. I've helped out around the camp Cavegirl: And proved how useless you are Dad: I'm just a bit rusty. It's been a long day. I suggest we all get some sleep Gran: Sure you know how to do that? Mum: Remember, you just lie down and close your eyes Big Sis: And breathe in...and out Cavegirl: Actually Dad you've got to admit that's quite funny [Amid laughter, Dad leaves the village] Dad: Fine. If they don't need me, no problem. Last thing I'd want to be is a burden do anyone [Village] Mum: Well who needs him anyway? Cavegirl: Yeah, here here Mum: OK, that's enough standing and staring. Back to work Cavegirl: Hang on. Who's giving the orders all of a sudden? Mum: I'm the new chief. Aren't I? (laughter) Big Sis: Um I think not. I'm the first born Trunk: Yeah, well I think it should be me Cavegirl: You're not family Trunk: Yeah but I've got natural charisma Roast: Ah no me, I've got natural charm and...the ability to heal divisions Trunk: Heal divisions? Heal this then big nose [Trunk punches Roast, Big Sis goes flying. Cavegirl goes to help Big Sis and picks up a piece of bark] Cavegirl: OK everyone. How about we all go away and mark our little pieces of bark who we each think should be chief. I'll count them all up and the one with the most wins [Voting time, tribe line up to vote with bark] Cavegirl: (to herself) Isn't it great to be present at a watershed moment in civilisation. It's all going so well, and this is just the beginning. Cavegirl: I hereby declare, the winner with a hundred and seventy two votes is...me [Gran starts the applause] Stiks: Hail to the chief, hail to the chief Big Sis: Cavegirl, any chance we could check the votes? Stiks: You heard what Cavegirl said. She went for a nap in her cave, a sabre tooth tiger came in and ate them while she was asleep Cavegirl: Thank you Stiks. Now can we move on? Cavegirl: (to herself) So I'm in charge...brilliant. Over to the younger generation for a change. This head of the tribe stuff is just a breeze Big Sis: You've surprised me Cavegirl. Everything seems to be working. Dad's a dinosaur and you've proved it Cavegirl: Thanks. For it's time you got off your backside and did your bit Big Sis: I don't think I heard you correctly Cavegirl: Look. I'm starving. Find out when they're going to bang the lunch drum Big Sis: Aren't you forgetting something? You're the boss now. You can decide Cavegirl: Oh yes [Cavegirl bangs the lunch drum] Cavegirl: Being chief is cool Stiks: Bit early isn't it Cavegirl? Cavegirl: Who cares? We eat when we feel like it [They only find bones in the larder] Cavegirl: Who's cooking today? Trunk: Er dunno Roast: You didn't tell us to be cooks Cavegirl: Couldn't you have decided amongst yourselves? Stiks: That's your job Cavegirl: OK...Mum then Mum: Oh sorry, I cooked yesterday Cavegirl: Roast? Roast: Er, day before Cavegirl: Stiks? Stiks: I covered for Treetop and Volcano when they had fever Cavegirl: Gran? Gran: OK Cavegirl: At last Stiks: Um, we'd rather not have Gran Cavegirl: What! Stiks: She overcooks the vegetables Cavegirl: Alright, I'll cook...Er, what do I cook? Trunk: Oh, well it's Thursday, mammoth Cavegirl: Where's the mammoth? Stiks: Dunno Cavegirl: Right. Any volunteers for hunting? [babble of many excuses] Cavegirl: OK, we all go. That's fair isn't it? [Out hunting, bringing home the mammoth] Cavegirl: (to herself) This is not as easy as I thought Cavegirl: OK, I killed the mammoth. That's my bit for today. Now it's down to you lot to cook while I clean up Stiks: OK, I'll prepare the fire. Leave it to me Cavegirl: Oh thanks Stiks Stiks: But I'm not getting the kindling wood Cavegirl: What? Stiks: All that bending down Roast: And the splinters Trunk: And I got the firewood last week Cavegirl: OK, listen up. Roast and Trunk get wood. Stiks and Tooth get flints. Mum, Gran and Big Sis, clean the trough and peel the veg. Treetop and Volcano skin the mammoth. These are your tasks which will rotate on a fortnightly basis. That's...an order [Tribe sat down at pile of wood] Cavegirl: Ha OK, all we've got to do now is light it, well? Trunk: Oh don't look at us Roast: That's the chief's job Cavegirl: I see. Right. OK then. Pass the flints Big Sis: Dad will know how to do it Cavegirl: Thank you both...so much [Cavegirl unsuccessfully strikes the flints] Cavegirl: (to herself) Now I know what if feels like. If I hadn't 've told Dad he was useless, he never would have gone. Right. There's only one thing for it [Cavegirl sets off to find Dad, homing in on his snoring. Cavegirl finds him fast asleep in a cave. A few minutes later, Dad has a fire going and is sharing food with Cavegirl] Dad: It's all in the layers. My old man used to say, twig branch mulch, branch mulch twig. Light in the middle. Blow, poke a bit, blow, poke a bit and there you are Cavegirl: Come back and do it for us? Please? Dad: Only if the entire village...including your mother...comes up here...and apologises [Village] Mum: Never ever ever. We don't need him. We just haven't tried hard enough. Oh we can work together on this can't we? Big Sis: I know, whoever gets the fire going first...wins a prize Trunk: Oh what sort of prize? Big Sis: Er, a fruit basket Cavegirl: I've got a better idea Trunk: What? Cavegirl: First person to get a fire going gets to take over as chief Big Sis: What? You don't want to be chief any more? Cavegirl: It's not really my thing (applause) Mum: On your marks...set...go Cavegirl: (to herself) Excellent [Fruitless fire-making] Gran: I remember when I was young, my mum and dad never had fire Big Sis: So what happened? Gran: They died. Like what's going to happen to all of us. We're all going to die. Starve slowly 'til our ribs are poking out...and our tongues are swollen and black Big Sis: OK Gran, we all get the point. We're all going to die. Great [In a nearby cave, Cavegirl has got a good fire going] Cavegirl: (daydreaming to herself) Dad may be a snorer, Dad may be gross, and he may be bossy...but, he is my dad [Village] Cavegirl: None of this is working. Why don't we all apologise to Dad and bring him back? Big Sis: No. Are you mad? Mum: You know Cavegirl, I'm beginning to miss his snoring...but I'm not going to apologise [Later at Dad's new cave; tribe gathered, Dad chewing on a leg of meat] Dad: What was that again? Mum: Really, really sorry Dad: Naa, didn't quite catch that Mum: I'm really, really sorry Dad: Aaaand the rest of you? Ensemble: We're really really sorry [Tribe back posing for the tribal portrait] Cavegirl: So here we are, all together again. One happy family, one happy tribe. And that's how it should be Mum: You got a real kick out of that rubbing my nose in it, and in front of all the others Dad: I did actually, yes. And...as it happens, I had a really nice time out there in the wild without you, nagging me, day and night Mum: Why don't you go back there then! [Both put on grins for painting] Rock Painter: Perfect! |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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