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[The women of the village are hiding in long grass]
Cavegirl: Why do women have to do this? Mum: It's what we've always done Big Sis: It's a tribal thing Cavegirl: I wish we didn't have to put up with it. It's degrading Mum: Nettle...Big Sis...Go! [Nettle and Big Sis run off screaming] Mum: Right girls, go! [Everyone runs but Cavegirl...Screams in the distance] Dad: Just you left Cavegirl...Come on Cavegirl, it's only practice Cavegirl: (to herself) The other women may not mind doing this but I do...So I'm going to do what I'm good at [Cavegirl stands up in the grass] Cavegirl: Dad! Dad: Hunters! [The men of the village charged at Cavegirl shouting war cries. Cavegirl ducks into the long grass and reappears to the side of Dad] Cavegirl: Dad! Dad: Hunters! [Cavegirl ducks into the grass as the men charge in the new direction] Dad: Cavegiiirl! Cavegirl: Daad! Dad: Right, that's it [Full charge at Cavegirl who runs into a net. The men catch up and find strangers standing over Cavegirl. It's the Bandits and their leader, Mud] Mud: You out hunting as well? [Silence] Mud: (shouting) I said are you out hunting as well? Cavegirl: Will someone please let me out? Mud: Shut up Dad: Cavegirl, don't you go giving him any of your smart mouth Mud: That's good advice...(to his band)...Move! [The bandits leave. Dad helps Cavegirl to her feet] Cavegirl: Dad, are you shaking? Dad: Yeah Cavegirl: Who were they? Dad: You don't need to know [Mum is doing her laundry in a pool, Cavegirl sitting on a rock] Mum: Sounds like the bandits Cavegirl: The what? Dad: Are my pants washed yet? Mum: Noooo! Dad: You said they'd be ready Mum: Well they're not ready Dad: Well wash harder Cavegirl: She's doing her best [Dad walks off] Cavegirl: You know, you really don't have to put up... Mum: I don't want to talk about it Cavegirl: Tell me about the bandits [Later, Gran, Little Bro and Cavegirl are up a tree picking fruit. Cavegirl has asked about the bandits] Gran: Kids, from the wrong side of the mountain. They've gone wild Cavegirl: Can't their mum and dads control them? Gran: They don't live with their mums and dads Cavegirl: (to herself) How cool is that? Dad: Oi! You two, you're supposed to be working Cavegirl: Sorry Dad. I was thinking about how terrible life would be without a mum and a dad...Not Dad: What? Cavegirl: Nothing Dad: Have you got lunch yet? Cavegirl: No Dad: Well pick faster. 'Cause after lunch me and the lads want to get some more hunting practice in Cavegirl: And we wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that would we [Later, the women are sat in the long grass] Mum: There's nothing wrong with hunting practice Cavegirl: I wouldn't mind if I actually do the hunting Girl: Girls aren't allowed to hunt Cavegirl: Never get to do anything Mum: We get to wash men's clothes Girl: Cook their meat Gran: Pick their fruit Cavegirl: Look at you all, you're pathetic, sitting around taking it. Just ask yourselves, is it ever going to change? Mum: Shouldn't think so Cavegirl: Right! [Cavegirl gets up and runs to Dad] Dad: Hunters! Dad: No no no, you're not supposed to run towards us. You're supposed to run away from us Cavegirl: I am running away from you [Cavegirl kisses Dad] Cavegirl: Sorry Dad [Cavegirl runs away] Dad: Right. Stop. Hide. Jump out and start running again [Cavegirl keeps on going] Dad: No no no no. Stop. Hide. Jump out and start...Cavegirl! Stiks: I'll get her back [Stiks has caught up with Cavegirl and they are walking along] Cavegirl: I don't care what you say Stiks, I'm not coming back Stiks: But you've got to Cavegirl: It's alright for you, you're a boy, get treated alright. I'm a girl and girls get treated like rubbish Stkis: But the other girls put up with it Cavegirl: Well I'm not going to [The bandits are on a rock above, Mud has the net] Stiks: You can't live on your own Cavegirl: I know. I've got a plan. I'm going to join the bandits Stiks: But they're wild kids from the wrong side of the mountain. They do what they want...when they want Cavegirl: Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Stiks: Well how will you find them? No one knows exactly where they live Cavegirl: I told you I've got a plan [Net comes down over Cavegirl] Cavegirl: You'd better hide Stiks: Yeah I'd better had [Stiks runs away] Mud: You just don't know how to keep out of trouble do you Cavegirl: Apparently not [Back at the village] Mum: Do you think Cavegirl's right? Dad: Don't be daft Mum: The women do all the washing and cooking and... Dad: That's the way its always been. Men hunt, women wash and cook [Big Sis walks over to Mum, rolling her eyes] Mum: Maybe Cavegirl's right...Maybe it's time for a change Big Sis: I'm worried about her Mum Mum: I know love Dad: She's not worried. Stiks'll bring her back (strain and fart). You're not worried are you love? Big Sis: No Dad [At the bandit's camp] Mud: So, what do we do with her 1st Bandit Girl: I say we torture her, get her to tell us where her tribe keep all their stuff, then steal it 2nd Bandit Girl (Babe): I say we just torture her Mud: Hang on [Stiks watches from concealment as Mud goes over to Cavegirl who is staked to the ground with the net] Mud: Give us a reason for not hurting you Cavegirl: Why do you want to hurt someone? I wanted to join you Mud: Why would you want to join us? Cavegirl: I've had enough of my tribe. I hate them. They tell me to do all kinds of stupid stuff. Now it's time for me to do whatever I want. Mud: And what do you want? Cavegirl: I told you. I...want...to join you [Mud laughs] Cavegirl: What's so funny about that? [Mud starts to pull out pegs holding down the net] Mud: We've all got skills. We're all good at something. Thing is...What are you good at? Cavegirl: (to herself) If I don't think of something I'm going to get it...Got it Cavegirl: There is one thing I do a bit well... [Cavegirl grips Mud and kisses him venomously] 1st Warrior: Er Babe Mud: (beaming) She stays...Babe, get her some colours [Kissing resumes. Babe takes down some leathers and throws them at Cavegirl] Cavegirl: What's your problem? Babe: Problem is it doesn't fit me any more...Do you like him? Cavegirl: Who?...Yeah I like him Babe: Yeh well everyone likes him...Trouble is I like him too much...I don't want you here Cavegirl Cavegirl: I don't want to go home. I can't stand my parents Babe: Well no one can stand their parents that's why we all here Cavegirl: I won't come between you and Mud Babe: You won't have a choice...I used to look great in that dress...Now you're going to look great in it. There'll come a moment at a party where he'll ask you to dance and...you won't be able to resist Cavegirl: I'm a lot tougher than you think. I'll just say no Mud: Cavegirl we're having a party, fancy a dance? Cavegirl: Sure. You don't think I'd say no to that do you. Dancing, excellent...Let's do it [Cavegirl dances with Mud in her new colours] [The three bandit girls walk together. Stiks clears out the way as they approach but has to hang on to rocks below] Babe: OK girls, give it to me 1st Bandit Girl: Tart 3rd Bandit Girl: Cow 1st Bandit Girl: Strumpet 3rd Bandit Girl: Sneak 1st Bandit Girl: She-dog Babe: Excellent...so you agree?...Cavegirl's a tart, cow, strumpet, sneak, she-dog 1st Bandit Girl: So what 'you going to do about it? Babe: Like I suggested in the first place...torture her [Stiks loses his grip and falls] [Back at the dance] Cavegirl: You told me what everyone else's good at. You know what I'm good at...What exactly are you good at? Mud: I'm good at being good-looking Cavegirl: Oh Cavegirl: (to herself) Normally I hate boys like this, but on this occasion, I can't argue about what he's good at [Stiks has run back to the village] Big Sis: Brilliant Stiks you're back, where's Cavegirl Stiks: She's stuffed Big Sis: Stuffed? Stiks: ...They're probably torturing her as we speak Mum: Dad! Dad: What? Mum: The Bandit tribe are probably torturing her as we speak Dad: So? Mum: Well shall we rescue her? Dad: They're too tough Mum: We've got to try Dad: That means fighting them Big Sis: Dad! Mum: We've got to help Dad: I know everyone thinks me and the lads are really tough...terrible truth is we're not Stiks: We're talking about torture here. Someone's got to get her out of there Mum: Of course someone's got to get her out of there Stiks: As we speak Cavegirl could be screaming in pain [Cavegirl is sat with Mud] Cavegirl: Tell me again, it sounds all so fantastic Mud: Well we get up late, we don't keep our huts tidy. Basically we do what we want when we want Babe: Cavegirl, come and meet the girls. They're dying to meet you Cavegirl: Really? Babe: Yeah, and you'll be a new member of the gang Cavegirl: Excellent Mud: Cavegirl? You're talking to me Cavegirl: Mud, like you said I can do what I want, when I want (winks)...see yer [Babe pushes Cavegirl into a hut] Babe: So you want to be Mud's girl? Cavegirl: I thought you wanted me... Babe: Oh shut up so you want to be Mud's girl Cavegirl: No 1st Bandit Girl: Do you want to be Mud's girl? Cavegirl: No! 3rd Bandit Girl: Do you want to be Mud's girl? Cavegirl: Yes, alright, I want to be Mud's girl...and why not, I can do what I want, when I want Babe: So...you want to wash his clothes, cook his meat, pick his fruit? Cavegirl: 'Course not [Cavegirl brushes past the trio back to the dance. The rescue party from her village survey the scene] Cavegirl: (to Mud) You're not going to believe this, but Babe just said you want me to wash and cook for you Mud: So? Cavegirl: So that's not right Mud: Yeah is...it's how we survive...that's how we...boys...survive. Girls do as they are told and the boys survive Cavegirl: Well then I'm leaving Mud: You're not going anywhere [Mud tackles Cavegirl from behind] Stiks: We've got to do something Dad: What are we going to do? We can't fight them, they're big strong lads Big Sis: No Dad, they're big strong teenagers Dad: What's that got to do with it? Mum: Everything [Cavegirl held by 1st and 3rd bandit girls] Cavegirl: I don't want to be here any more Mud: You'll do as you're told Cavegirl: Let me go! Mud: Shut...up [The rescue party walk in] Mum: I've never heard such a racket (immediate silence) Mud: Oi...What do you think you're doing? Mum: Young man...shut up Cavegirl: (to herself) Normally when Mum crashes one of my parties it's really embarassing...On this occasion her timing's perfect Mum: Cavegirl, home! Mud: She's not going anywhere Mum: I'll have less of your lip sonny Mud: Who' you calling sonny? Babe: You can't talk to him like that Mum: Don't you dare be a madam with me young lady Mud: Oi...We're The Bandits Mum: (in Mud's face) Do you want me to pull your pants down and smack your bot bot....I said do you want me to pull your pants down and smack your bot bot...Well? [Mud goes for cover behind the bandit girls] Mud: (quietly) No Mum: Anyone? Does anyone want their bot bot smacked?...Thought not...I'm not going to say it again Cavegirl home Cavegirl: Excellent [Cavegirl and the rescue party leave] Mum: Any more trouble from you lot and you answer to me Dad: And me Mum: Oh shut up Dad: Do what? Mum: I said shut up! Babe: (to 1st Bandit Girl) I didn't know that girls could talk to men like that 1st Bandit Girl: Nor did I until now. I think she's fantastic Mum: Cavegirl was right. We need changes Dad: What sort of changes? Cavegirl: I know exactly where to start [Later, back at the village, the menfolk are hunkered down in the long grass] Roast: Do we have to do this? Dad: It's a new tribal law Roast: It's degrading Dad: Stiks, Trunk...Go [Stiks and Trunk stand up] Cavegirl: (to herself) There's nothing like giving people a taste of their own medicine...especially men [Hordes of screaming women chase Stiks and Trunk] |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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