[Cavegirl carrying rocks to a dam]

Cavegirl: Sometimes really hate my life. Every day the same old stuff. Bored, bored, bored, bored...and then just when you think nothing's ever going to change, it does

Big Sis: Trunk's throwing a welcome home party for his family. Shall we go?

Cavegirl: Well there's nothing to stop us

Big Sis: Well actually there is. I haven't asked Mum, but now you want to go, you can ask her



[At home cave Mum is doing her hair]

Cavegirl: Muum!

Mum: Just getting gorgeous. I've been feeling my relationship with your father's been getting a bit well...boring

Cavegirl: (to herself) You're my parents. Your relationship's supposed to be boring

Mum: So I thought I'd spice it up a bit. Bring back a bit of the old ver-ver-voom

Cavegirl: And you reckon that outfit'll do it for Dad do you?

Mum: I know it will...When you get to my age Cavegirl you'll instinctively know what a real man wants

Cavegirl: Really, and that is?

Mum: That is Cavegirl, a real woman (strikes a pose)...a woman with...

Cavegirl: (to herself) ...a dress that's two sizes too small?

Mum: Ver-ver-voom. There he is now...Dad!...Dad!



[Distant yell from Mum, Nettle walks past]

Nettle: Coming to Trunk's party?

Cavegirl: I dunno yet I've got to ask my...

The Drummer: Trunk's party? Are you going to be there Cavegirl?

Cavegirl: I've got to ask my...

Stiks: Cavegirl

Cavegirl: I don't know if I can go I've got to ask my mum

Stiks: What are you shouting for? I just wanted to tell you Mum's round the corner crying

Cavegirl: What!



[Round the corner Mum's laying on her side bawling]

Mum: Don't look at me Cavegirl. He said I looked ridiculous

Cavegirl: (to herself) I don't want Mum to be upset. If she's upset, she'll say no to me going to the party

Mum: I'm so upset

Cavegirl: Mum?...Mum!



[Cavegirl finds Mum some distance away]

Cavegirl: I know what you're going through Mum

Mum: Do you Cavegirl?

Cavegirl: Of course, you're feeling old...and fat...and incredibly unattractive. In fact you're probably thinking that no man is ever going to look at you ever again

Mum: What can I do? T'get your Dad to be more romantic

Cavegirl: No! I think what you need is...a good night out. How about a party?

Mum: Party? You and Big Sis' come with me?

Cavegirl: Oh I'm busy but...you're my mum and I love you

Mum: Oh you are sweet

Cavegirl: Sorted



[Later in the cave]

Big Sis: What! Our mum, our party? Are you mad?

Cavegirl: It was the only way we'd get her to let us go Big Sis and I'm sure it'll be fine. Nobody will even notice she's there



[Party time, Cavegirl dancing and getting concerned Mum is enjoying things too much]

Cavegirl: My mum's kissing another man...my mum's kissing another man

[Cavegirl barges in and parts the couple]

Cavegirl: You ???? lady, home!

Trunk: Hi ya Dad

Mum: I'm enjoying myself

Cavegirl: Don't give me any lip...home!

Bark (Trunk's Dad) : Me and your muvver haven't seen each other for years. Now don't go spoiling it for us when I've just come home to the village

Cavegirl: And a little less attitude from you...(to Mum)...right madam, you've got a husband at home

Mum: Oh piddle off



[Cavegirl leading Mum by the hand out of the cave, Bark bringing up the rear]

Mum: I'm not coming

Cavegirl: You are

Mum: I'm not coming home Cavegirl

Cavegirl: You've got to come home, it's where you live

Mum: Not any more Cavegirl. Bark's asked me to stay with him...and I've said yes

Cavegirl: But you can't do that, you're our mum...and we love you

Mum: Sometimes a woman needs more than that Cavegirl. She needs to feel appreciated as a woman...(turns to Bark)...and for that she needs the love of a real man

[Cavegirl runs off]



[Cavegirl finds Dad playing dice. She whispers in his ear]

Dad: What!

Cavegirl: She said, at some times a woman needs...the love of a real man...and then she kissed him

[Dad goes back to dice game]

Cavegirl: So what are you going to do about it Dad? Get over there and drag her back by the hair? Storm up to him and pick a fight? Sit there like a big dice-playing buffalo and do nothing? Excellent, go without then.

Cavegirl: (to herself) : Got to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow it's down to me



[Mum is doing chores at Bark's]

Cavegirl: Mum we need to talk

Mum: I'm doing breakfast, do you want some?

Cavegirl: No Mum, I've come to take you home

Bark: She's not going home...she's too gorgeous

Cavegirl: (to herself) : He's doing it again. The man has to die. Die die die. Die die...die!

[In the background]

Bark: I'm doing breakfast

Mum: But I always do breakfast

Bark: Not round here you don't, can't have my lady getting over-tired now can we

Cavegirl: (to herself) Lady! What is this man on?

Bark: (to Mum) So what do you fancy...apart from me of course

Cavegirl: (to herself) This is worse than I thought. I'm not going to be able to sort this out on my own. Big Sis. She'll persuade mum to come home

[Big Sis under furs with Trunk]

Big Sis: 'Morning Cavegirl

Mum: Isn't it lucky Big Sis and Trunk've hit it off so well

Cavegirl: (to herself) Lucky. She'd hit it off with anything with chest hair

Mum: Big Sis!...Trunk!...Breakfast!



[Cavegirl runs off]

Cavegirl: (to herself) So Big Sis is out...which leaves...

[Cavegirl finds Gran]

Cavegirl: Mum?

Gran: What is it you want me to do again dear?

Cavegirl: Mum?...Mum?

Old Man: Can I help you?

Cavegirl: Don't think so. We need to get Mum

[Gran and the Old Man's eyes meet, love at first sight]

[Cavegirl walks off and realizes Gran is not with her. She walks back]

Cavegirl: Gran...What's going on?

[Gran only has eyes for the Old Man]

Cavegirl: (to herself) Old people...in love?

Cavegirl: Stop it! Stop it!....oooh

[Cavegirl runs off with Old Man slobbering all over Gran]



[Cavegirl running holding hands with Little Bro]

Cavegirl: (to herself) The Gran Plan obviously isn't working...so that leaves...

[They crouch near Bark's place]

Cavegirl: (to Little Bro) No say it with feeling, say it and cry

Little Bro: Please come home (with no emotion)...

Cavegirl: Oh useless

[Cavegirl grabs stick from Little Bro]

Cavegirl: Do you like this stick?

Little Bro: It's my favourite

[Cavegirl breaks the stick across her leg]

Little Bro: Aaah

[Mum hears and rushes over]

Mum: Brother, little brother, little brother, what is it?

Little Bro: Please come home Mum?

Mum: Oh

[Little Bro runs off to join girl at large cooking pot]

Little Bro: Hi

Little Girl: Hi

Little Bro: Do you want to fight?

Little Girl: Yeah

[The little girl kicks Little Bro in the head]

Little Bro: I think I love you

Cavegirl: Oooh no (closes eyes)...don't tell me

Mum: Bark's youngest



[Cavegirl runs off]

Cavegirl: (to herself) My entire family has left home and moved in with another man...and it's all my fault...There's only one thing to do...

[Cavegirl finds Dad playing dice]

Cavegirl: You've got to fight him...it's the only way...You're gonna have to beat him to a pulp...grab Mum by the hair...and drag her back where she belongs

[Dad casts the dice]

Dad: Face facts Cavegirl. I can't beat anyone up and your mother's not coming home

Cavegirl: I'm sorry, I'm the one to blame...If I hadn't made her do that stupid party none of this would ever have happened

Dad: No love, this has been on the cards for a while. I blame myself...I let the romance go out of our relationship

Cavegirl: It's not your fault Dad

Dad: Let's face it love...your mum's probably better off where she is...with a real man

[Dad gets up]

Cavegirl: You're a real man. You may not have a perfect body or handsome hair but, but you're kind and sweet and, and funny, and, and you're my dad

Dad: Thanks love, I appreciate that

Cavegirl: Now all I've got to do is turn you into a full-on psycho killing machine

[Cavegirl demonstrates all her moves to Dad, who's not impressed]

Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

[Dad kicks a big rock in the air, then picks a huge rock up and throws it way into the air]

Cavegirl: Forget all the fancy stuff Dad, just crush him

[Dad takes off his sweatband with a mean look. They run to Bark's place]



[Bark is hid behind a rock operating glove puppets]

Black Puppet: Gor, look at that, ain't she gorgeous?

Brown Puppet: Yeah, I'll have some of that, come over here (to Mum)

[Mum looks over rock at Bark]

Mum: You are such a disappointment

Puppets: We agree...but give him a kiss anyway

[Bark jumps up, grabs Mum and kisses her]

Mum: Get off me!...Get off me Bark...Look Bark, I've been thinking

Bark: Oh dear oh dear, we can't have that can we? After all you're only a woman ain't yer

Mum: Oooh uh

[Bark chases after Mum. Dad charges in with loud yell and falls flat on his face]

Mum: Dad?

Bark: What's going on?

Cavegirl: My dad's here to beat you up

Bark: Really?

Cavegirl: He wants his woman back. He loves you Mum

Mum: And I love him. I just wanted to get his attention

[Bark tries to drag Mum away]

Bark: What is going on? I thought you loved me

Mum: Do me a favour, you're the most irritating man I ever met

Bark: No woman calls me...

Mum: Oh shut up!

[Mum lays a right hook and more on Bark. Bark runs off clutching his head and whimpering]

Dad: (a bit confused from his fall) What's going on? Did I do him?

Mum: Yes darling he was so frightened of you he ran away

[Little Bro, Gran and Big Sis join Dad]

Dad: (to the departed Bark) Haaa, if you ever want some more, you know where to find me. Haaa, no one messes with me and my family



[Back at home cave, Mum and Dad walking embraced]

Cavegirl: (to herself) So that's that. Mum's home, Dad's promised to be more romantic...and everything's back to normal. Parents...I'll never understand them