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[Travelling performers Sweet and her boyfriend, the drummer are putting on a show for the tribe]
Cavegirl: (to herself) I just love it when travelling entertainers come through...and these guys are really good...especially her
Cavegirl: She's got some moves doesn't she?
Big Sis: Yeah like you'd know
Cavegirl: Yes I would actually. I happen to be a bit of an expert on dance
[Dad laughs, joined by the others]
Dad: An expert on dance? Where do we find you?
Cavegirl: Nettle, you tell them. I know loads about dance don't I?
Nettle: Umm
Cavegirl: Nettle!
Cavegirl: (to herself) Unbelievable the way I'm treated. I mean, what am I? The village idiot
[After the performance Sweet and boyfriend are holding hands]
Drummer: You were wonderful sweetie, just wonderful
Sweet: Me? What did I do? I just expressed your brilliant ideas
Drummer: Yo u do it so beautifully my princess
Sweet: Oh darling
[They kiss. Cavegirl arrives with a plate of fruit]
Cavegirl: Huk hum...some food
Sweet: Wonderful
Cavegirl: I have to say just loved your dancing. You have the most legs of anyone ever
Sweet: Thank you...Yes, my performance was rather exquisite
Drummer: Yes. She's a beautiful way of expressing my ideas
Sweet: Well they're not all your ideas. I mean...dancing...well it's an art too
Drummer: Certainly one point of view
Sweet: Well it's more of an art than drumming
Drummer: Hmm. Sweetie don't be ridiculous
Sweet: Ridiculous?...I don't think so...I mean...bang bang bang...Heh...a monkey could drum
Drummer: Well that's the kind of ignorant remark that just proves how little you know
Cavegirl: Anyone for a banana?
Sweet: Oh yeh, he loves them...like most monkeys
Drummer: Right. That's it. You and me and our so-called artistic partnership it's over, we're finished
Sweet: Well good. Because you know what?...I'm sick of carrying you. I'm sick, sick, sick
Cavegirl: Pineapple?
[Sweet crying on Cavegirl's shoulder]
Cavegirl: (to herself) The dancer's really upset. She needs a shoulder to cry on
[Cavegirl looks down to see her shoulder covered in snot]
Cavegirl: (to herself) Hello, I said cry on
Sweet: Did you hear how he spoke to me?...The man's a beast...He's an absolute beast
[Drummer runs past]
Drummer: Get over yourself princess mini-brain
Cavegirl: Anyway I'd better go I've got to kill myself a new outfit
Sweet: But wait, you ar e going to help me find a new drummer aren't you?
Cavegirl: Me?
Drummer: Well obviously she can't...she's going to be far too busy finding my new dancer
Sweet: No but I see I need someone like you...I need someone who has taste and intelligence
[Cavegirl turns round]
Cavegirl: I do!
Sweet: Absolutely...I mean, the way you spotted my amazing talent...it was amazingly talented
Cavegirl: Well I am a bit of an expert on dance
Sweet: I knew it
Drummer: Oh yes, the dance...but the drums...the drums are in your blood
Cavegirl: Well, well I...
Drummer: Oh don't deny it, I saw you in the audience, the way you tapped your feet so perfectly in time...extraordinary
Cavegirl: Thank you
Drummer: No no no no, thank you
Sweet: Don't waste your talents on him, you see I need your sensitivity
Drummer: Well I need your sensitivity
Cavegirl: Stop!...I'll help you both
[Trunk and Roast are propped against rock, Cavegirl jumps up in triumph]
Cavegirl: Me, that's who they picked. Did they pick you? Nooo. Who did they pick? They picked me...Who? Me
[Cavegirl climbs to top of rock]
Cavegirl: Me me me me me me me
Trunk: Yeh but, drumming auditions? Why would I want to leave my nice comfy cave to go wandering around banging a drum
Cavegirl: You're right, it wouldn't be much of a life, drifting from place to place, sleeping under the stars, no one for company except a...young...lonely...beautiful...female dancer
[Cavegirl repeats the spiel to a group of girls doing their chores]
Cavegirl: ...and no one for company...except a lonely...young drummer
[Auditions announcement, tribe assembled]
Cavegirl: Quiet! Quiet!
Cavegirl: (to herself) For once the tribe is actually listening to me. How cool is that?
Cavegirl: As you know, we're looking for...a drummer
Sweet: A talented drummer...See, I feel it's time for change
Cavegirl: And a dancer
Drummer: Preferably not an empty-headed loud mouth...Been there, done that
Cavegirl: First round of auditions here this afternoon, and people...what are we going to give it?...
The Masses: One hundred per cent!
Cavegirl: (to herself) Yes. It is good to be taken seriously
[Cavegirl is walking along when she's approached by a woman of the tribe, Holly, holding out some shoes]
Holly: Like them?
Cavegirl: (to herself) Like them? They're the cutest shoes in the entire history of the world
Holly: They're yours
Cavegirl: You're giving me the shoes?...Why?
Holly: 'Cos I really admire you, the whole way you're running the auditions and everything...so inspiring
Cavegirl: Well thanks Holly
Holly: Oh don't mention it, and good luck with the auditions. I just know you're going to make the right decision
Cavegirl: (to herself) Amazing, she has such total faith in my powers of judgement
[Old guy approaches with spear as Holly walks away]
Man: Like it?
Cavegirl: (to herself) And I guess she's not the only one
[The tribe are assembled for the auditions]
Cavegirl: Right people, people. Let's get this show on the road
[Auditions start. Performances are pathetic, Cavegirl hangs her head]
Cavegirl: Next (wearily)
Cavegirl: Next
Cavegirl: Next
Cavegirl: Ne xt
Cavegirl: Next
Cavegirl: Next
Cavegirl: Next
[Finalists are Trunk, Roast, Nettle and Big Sis]
Cavegirl: Which leaves you lot...Now I know you all did your best and tried your hardest...but to be honest...you'd have to do better...when you come back later
[Applause breaks out, the finalists disperse]
Drummer: Mmmm, both those girls were quite attractive. That'll add something new to the show
Sweet: Yeah, you can call it "Beauty and the Beast"
Drummer: Beauty and the Beast? What are you trying to say?
Sweet: You are a beast
Drummer: 'You talking about?
Cavegirl: (to herself) Oooh, not this again. I'm out of here. Think I'll visit the parents
[Cavegirl runs home, Mum is bawling]
Dad: How could you do it? Reject your own family
Cavegirl: What can I say? You weren't that good...(to Dad)...If I was you I'd watch out for the running nose thing
Dad: Don't try and change the subject. After all we've done for you
[Gran pokes Cavegirl with a stick]
Gran: Casting us aside
Mum: You even rejected me...me with my girlish vigour
[Dad sees Mum dribbled snot over his shoulder and pushes her head away]
Cavegirl: Come on, I just did what I had to do, you're not going to hold it against me are you?
Cavegirl: (to herself) They are
[Runs off and comes back with all the gifts she was given and drops them on the cave floor]
Cavegirl: (to herself) Fortunately, when it comes to my family I know just how to get around them
Dad: What's all this?
Cavegirl: Presents...to say I'm sorry
Mum: Ha ha, so you think you can buy your way back into the family, well let me tell you...
[Dad picks up the spear and feels it's balance, Mum picks up the shoes]
Mum: Ooh, you darling
Dad: Nice balance
Cavegirl: So you forgive me?
Mum: Oh, well they make my ankles look slim
[Cavegirl walks off]
Cavegirl: (to herself) With the family problem solved, everything is just peachy
[Stone hits Cavegirl]
Cavegirl: Ow, who threw that?
Man: We had an arrangement
Cavegirl: Arrangement? What arrangement?
Holly: The presents?
Cavegirl: What? But you gave me those because I'm so inspiring (laughter from crowd)
Cavegirl: You mean, you mean they were bribes?
Holly: Welcome to reality
Man: We want another shot...Get us back in the auditions
Cavegirl: I can't do that. You're out, it's over, you've got to move on
Holly: You don't understand...Get us back in the auditions or else
Cavegirl: Or else what?
[Crowd hold up their spears and sticks. Cavegirl gives them the thumbs up]
Cavegirl: Gotcha
[Later]
Cavegirl: (to herself) Funny isn't it? You think you're getting ahead. You think you're finally getting what you deserve...and then...
[Big Sis appears]
Big Sis: Cavegirl
Cavegirl: If you've come to give me a present, not interested
Big Sis: Yeah, like I'm going to waste my time giving you...a present...I'm here to tell you what's going to happen if I don't win the audition
Cavegirl: What's going to happen?
Big Sis: Bad things...very bad things. First I'm going to take you into the desert, stake you out on an ant hill...
[Later, Cavegirl being bothered by Trunk]
Trunk: ...and then I'm going to slowly lower you into the leech pit
[Later, Cavegirl being bothered by Nettle]
Nettle: ...and then I'm going to roll you down the hill into the cactus field
[Later, Cavegirl being bothered by Roast]
Roast: ...and then I'm going to fix my ???? in your cave
Cavegirl: Wait Roast you can't all win, it's just not possible
Roast: Aw, that's your problem
Cavegirl: Oh yeah...and what about this?...What if I just refuse to go through with it...What if I cancel the audition?
[Cavegirl being held upside down from a big rock by the finalists]
Cavegirl: So basically what you are saying is...cancelling the auditions isn't really an option
Big Sis: Not unless you can fly
Cavegirl: (to herself) This is a very tight spot, and I can only see one way out...
[Cavegirl released and finds The Drummer]
Cavegirl: Yeah just been with the dancer she's freaking out about these auditions
Drummer: She is? Why?
Cavegirl: Well, well she told me not to tell you this, but she doesn't think any of the drummers are in your league
Drummer: Really?
[Cavegirl with Sweet]
Cavegirl: Yeah, and he said that you're great at the whole...leg movement thing
[Cavegirl, gesturing, with Drummer]
Cavegirl: ...and that...
Drummer: ...I'm the master of a complex backbeat
[Cavegirl with Sweet]
Sweet: ...and that my pirouette is a stunning combination of power and grace
Cavegirl: Exactly...and I don't know why, but he asked me to say, he's be at the...waterfall later
[Cavegirl with Drummer]
Drummer: Really
[Cavegirl leaves lots of fruit by the side of the waterfall and hides behind rock ]
Cavegirl: (to herself) I figure all I have to do is set out a nice picnic and then let nature take its course
[Sweet and the Drummer arrive]
Drummer: Hello
Sweet: Hello
Cavegirl: (to herself) Come on, say something, say something
Drummer: Nice spot...isn't it?
Sweet: Lovely
Cavegirl: (to herself) This is looking good
Sweet: Look...
Drummer: Look I'm really glad...
Drummer: I'm glad you came
Sweet: Me too
Drummer: I've missed you
Sweet: Oh I've missed you too
[They kiss]
Cavegirl: (to herself) Yes, result
Drummer: Oh you...let's eat
Sweet: Interesting?
Drummer: What?
Sweet: Well the way you automatically picked up the bowl with the most fruit
Cavegirl: (to herself) Uh Ohh
Drummer: Well it's interes ting that you noticed
Sweet: Well it's hard not to notice, you do it all the time
Drummer: Well it's hard not to do it when you're with someone so petty
Cavegirl: (to herself) No, please no
Sweet: Do you know what I just remembered?...I hate you
Drummer: Yeah well I hate you double
Sweet: Triple
Drummer: Well quadruple
Sweet: Five
Drummer: Five? Five! It's quintuple you moron
[Sweet runs off]
Cavegirl: (to herself) Well, that's the end of that. Now I'm under serious pressure. Mega serious pressure.
[Cavegirl sat in front of the tribe]
Cavegirl: (to herself) There has to be some way out. I need to think.
Drummer: Oooo Kay. Let's start these auditions.
Sweet: So now you're in charge?...I don't think so
Cavegirl: (to herself) Need to concentrate
Drummer: Yeah like what you think matters
Sweet: Well at least I can think...monkey boy
Cavegirl: (to herself) Concentrate
Drummer: Pity you can't dance
Sweet: Pity you can't drum
Cavegirl: Will you two shut up!...You're melting my head with your stupid squabbling. You're such idiots...the world's biggest...the king...and queen of Idiotland. Oh, did I mention, I hate you!
Drummer: You just shouted at us
Sweet: It was horrible
Drummer: Really really horrible
[Sweet embraces the Drummer]
Sweet: It's OK darling, it's OK, it's OK
Drummer: Sweetie
Sweet: Oh darling
Cavegirl: (to herself) Oh excellent
Drummer: So...me and Sweet, my dancing associate have had a long talk
Sweet: ...and we've decided to resume our artistic partnership
Big Sis: Well what about the auditions?
Sweet and the Drummer: Cancelled
Trunk: What? I wanted to be a drummer
Sweet: Don't worry, it wouldn't have worked out, you're completely talentless
Drummer: Yeah none of you should feel like you've missed an opportunity. You were all pretty awful
Sweet: Awful'll be like a compliment
[Sweet and the Drummer snigger, the tribe fume]
Drummer: What?
[The Drummer and Sweet depart being chased by the screaming tribe]
Cavegirl: (to herself) It's good to be a normal member of the tribe again, just hanging out, doing the kind of stuff we all enjoyed
[Cavegirl at rear of chasing tribe throws spear]
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