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Roast: Your dad is going to let you look after the drum?
Roast: Your dad wants you to look after the drum? Roast: Your dad wants yo to look after the drum Roast: Your dad wants you to look after the drum? Roast's Dad: Better Roast: Thanks Dad [Cavegirl standing guard at the warning drum] Cavegirl: (to herself) All I've ever wanted is a boyfriend and responsibility. I was about to get them both Dad: Everything calm. Nothing on the horizon...but you can't relax. You're here to protect the village. Everything calm...then suddenly... [Gran jumps up screaming] Dad: A huge hostile warrior comes tearing towards you Cavegirl: I bang the drum Dad: A herd of beasts charge past towards the village [Stiks and Little Bro jump over rocks making animal noises] Dad: Well? Cavegirl: I don't need anyone else to threaten the village. I know what I'm doing Dad: Are you sure? Cavegirl: Any danger, I bang the drum Dad: I'm proud of you (kisses Cavegirl)...family! [Roast sneaks up] Cavegirl: Hello Roast Roast: Your dad's going to let you look after the drum? Cavegirl: Yeah Roast: You got grown up Cavegirl: Yeah Roast: I've always wanted to go out with a grown-up girl [Two Horned warriors creep past] Roast: I've always quite fancied your big sister but she's so grown-up it's...scary [Roast and Cavegirl start kissing] Cavegirl: (to herself) I've got the responsibility of looking after the warning drum...and I think I've got a boyfriend. Everything excellent. But...problem Roast: Let's go down into the grass Cavegirl: Got to look after the drum Roast: Oh stuff the drum Cavegirl: But I've got to look after it Roast: We're going to go out with each other, I'm the boy, you're the girl. Boy takes charge Cavegirl: But I've got to look after... Roast: You want to go out with me or not? Cavegirl: Yes Roast: Come on then Cavegirl: But Roast: Come on [Cavegirl joins Roast in the grass] [Tribe running and shouting followed by Dad grasping Horned warrior] Dad: Cavegirl! Cavegirl: What? Dad: You're in trouble Cavegirl: (to herself) While I was having fun with Roast, instead of banging the drum, Dad captured a warrior. He's well-pleased. [Tribe grouped around Dad] Dad: Gather, gather Mum: We've already gathered once today Dad: Well we're going to gather again...I won a fight and we're going to hear about it. We're going to learn the Legend of the Fearsome Warrior. Little Bro: Who? Dad: Me Little Bro: You're not fearsome Dad: I am. I captured an enemy Gran: And I poked loads of them with my stick Dad: Poking with sticks isn't part of the legend Grandma. We're here to learn about me, and how fearsome I am Little Bro: You're very fearsome when Mum bosses you about Dad: Your mother doesn't boss me about Mum: I do Dad: Alright you do, but the bossing about bit's not part of the legend [Prison] Cavegirl: (to herself) Dad was so angry with me that he chucked me in the prison with the warrior and tied us back to back Cavegirl: Thanks for getting beaten up by my dad. He's in such a good mood. If he hadn't captured you, I'd be in even more trouble. Trouble is, Roast's so good-looking. They want you to do something, you can't say no can you? Well you can but I couldn't. He's so gorgeous. I'd do anything for him. You got a girlfriend'll do anything for you? [Village, Dad leading chant] Dad: His fearsome eyes full of fury and hate Ensemble: His fearsome eyes full of fury and hate Mum: Do we have to keep repeating it? Dad: If you don't repeat it, you won't learn it. This story mustn't be forgotten. It's the sort of story that legends are made of...His giant arms wrapped themselves around him Ensemble: His giant arms wrapped themselves around him Big Sis: Big arms? Dad: Very powerful Big Sis: Excellent [Big Sis runs off] [Roast and his dad sitting] Roast's Dad: The last time we saw each other where were we? Roast: The last time we saw each other was wer... Roast's Dad: Say it like you mean it Roast: The last time we saw each other w... Roast's Dad: Like you mean it! Roast: The last time we saw each other where were we? Roast's Dad: Better...better [Prison, Big Sis arrives] Cavegirl: (to herself) Here we go. Now he's in real trouble. One thing my big sis can't resist is a vulnerable male Big Sis: Can't see much through that mask can you? Cavegirl: (to herself) Can't see much through that mask can you? Interesting, where's she taking it? [Big Sis crosses her legs] Big Sis: Bet you can now though Cavegirl: Oh yes brilliant. If my hands weren't tied I'd probably clap Big Sis: If I was to lift up your mask...would I want to kiss you 'cause you're really handsome, or would I want to chuck somewhere? [Big Sis raises the skull mask] Big Sis: Noooo! [Village] Big Sis: Dad...Dad! Dad: What? [Big Sis whispers in Dad's ear] Dad: No! Roast's Dad: Stop kissing I'll decide when we...stop kissing I decide when we stop kissing therefore Roast: I decide when we start kissing Roast's Dad: You got it, good boy. Excellent I love you [Prison] Dad: Please don't be true. Please don't be true. Please don't be true. Please don't be...Noooo. No one must ever see Cavegirl: What? Dad: Her! Cavegirl: Oh it's a girl is it? Dad: Don't say girl. Never say girl Cavegirl: But she is a girl Dad: The story goes "I fought for hours and eventually overcame a barbaric beast". Not, "I fought for hours and eventually overcame a girl." Cavegirl: You're letting me go? Dad: You're the only one I can trust Cavegirl: You're trusting me? Dad: Until I decide what to do with her, you keep her here. No one sees her, no one knows the truth. No one talks to her...and if she escapes...I never trust you again Cavegirl: (to herself) Dad was right. Fighting for hours to overcome a girl isn't the stuff of legends. It's the stuff of an idiot Horned Warrioress: What's it like to be pushed about by a boy? Cavegirl: No talking Horned Warrioress: You can't have responsibility until you are responsible to yourself Cavegirl: I said no talking Horned Warrioress: He's very good-looking. What's it like to go giggly and stupid when... Cavegirl: I'm not a silly little girl. I've got loads of self-respect. I don't get pushed around by Roast and when I seen him I don't go giggly and stupid...Hello Roast [Roast and Cavegirl hit the deck] Roast: The last time we saw each other where were we? Cavegirl: Lying in the grass Roast: And where was my mouth? Cavegirl: On your face Roast: No my mouth was on your face...And what was it doing on your face? Cavegirl: Kissing Roast: Then? Cavegirl: Stop kissing Roast: Stop kissing...I decide when we stop kissing and I decide when we start kissing...I've decided we can start kissing again Cavegirl: Excellent Gran: Can I prod the prisoner? Cavegirl: No, you can't prod the prisoner Roast: Let her prod the prisoner Cavegirl: No one's prodding the prisoner [Gran bawling eyes out] Cavegirl: Gran?...Grandma? [Cavegirl chases after Gran] Roast: We were kissing, she stopped. I'm a boy, I'm in charge...Dad! [Village] Stiks: That then is the tale of the fearsome warrior Ensemble: That then is the tale of the fearsome warrior Stiks: Who only sometimes gets bossed about by his wife Ensemble: Who only sometimes gets bos... Dad: No no no no. Not that bit...how many more times?...Just the fearsome warrior stuff...like this!...Learn the Legend of the Fearsome Warrior... Ensemble: Learn the.... [Roast finds his dad] Roast: She stormed off Roast's Dad: What sort of hopeless son are you?...Don't worry about it, she'll be back Roast: I'm not sure... Roast's Dad: She's a soppy little girl, she'll be back...Come on [Cavegirl finds Gran] Cavegirl: You alright Gran? Gran: When you're old when you talk to people, they don't really listen. They're not really responding. They pretend they're listening... Cavegirl: (to herself) Roast's going to be furious. I shouldn't have stopped the kiss Gran: You're not listening now are you? Cavegirl: I am Gran: But you weren't. You were thinking of something else Cavegirl: I wasn't Gran: Promise? Cavegirl: Promise Cavegirl: (to herself) So when I...I mean he's so gorgeous, any girl'd be lucky to kiss him. He's got great legs, handsome hair... Gran: Are you listening! Cavegirl: Yes!...No!...Sorry Gran: I just want people to know I'm still here. I just want people to respond. When you poke 'em with a big stick they respond. Perhaps it's not that. Perhaps they just like poking people with big sticks Dad: You're supposed to be guarding the prisoner [Prison] Cavegirl: Roast?...Roast?...Roast? [Horned warrior jumps out on Cavegirl and takes off skull mask] Cavegirl: Waaah Roast: Surprise Cavegirl: Where's the girl? Roast: No wonder your dad's trying to keep her a secret? Cavegirl: Where's the girl? Roast: I didn't want someone watching us kissing. I...let her go...Where are you going? Cavegirl: I've got to get her back Roast: I decide what you do and what you don't do Cavegirl: No you won't Roast: Cavegirl? Cavegirl? Roast's Dad: Cavegirl!...(to Roast) Now that's how you do it...(to Cavegirl)...You want me to tell everyone that your dad isn't a fearsome warrior? Roast: You want me to tell everyone that your dad isn't a fearsome warrior? Roast's Dad: You want me to tell everyone that after all that battling and punching and fighting all he did was capture a girl? Roast: You want me to tell everyone that after all that battling and fighting and punching all he did was capture a girl? Cavegirl: You wouldn't tell them Roast's Dad: 'Course he'll tell them Roast: No you're right I wouldn't Roast's Dad: 'Course you would...Go on boy take charge. You gotta learn to take charge! Roast: Leave her alone...Leave me alone. I'm not good at girls, I'm not good at chatting up, I'm not ready yet. Don't wanna hurt anyone. I'm not what you want me to be Roast's Dad: But you've got handsome hair Roast: Stuff handsome hair Roast's Dad: Roast?...Roast! [Cavegirl trips Roast's Dad as he goes past. Roast's Dad hits his head] Roast: Dad? Cavegirl: Don't worry about it. Give me that armour [Village] Roast: I'm sorry. It's just my Dad's trying to teach me stuff I don't think I want to learn Cavegirl: You learnt self-respect Roast: Did I? Cavegirl: I've got to find the girl [A group of the tribe] Mum: The monster of the land tore toward him, his fearsome eyes full of fury and hate... [Another group of the tribe] Big Sis: ...for his own safety, the magnificent man... [Another group of the tribe. As the Drummer tells the story, Cavegirl catches the Horned warrioress and their confrontation matches the story] The Drummer: ...his fearsome eyes full with fury and hate. Without any thought for his own safety, the magnificent man battled the fearsome warrior. Running at each other they clashed. They swung to the left...and they swung to the right. They fell wrestling in the mud. Cavegirl: I just wanted to say thanks and good luck Horned Warrioress: What! Cavegirl: You're right. You can't have responsibility 'til you're responsible to yourself Horned Warrioress: Your dad's going to go mad Cavegirl: Let me worry about that [Village] Dad: Cavegirl!...I want a word with you. About the warrior girl...Good job Cavegirl: Thanks Dad (embraces and kisses Dad) Dad: You're growing up Cavegirl: I think so Dad: When it gets dark, let her slip away [Dad heads off. Cavegirl pulls up mask of 'warrioress'. It's Roast's dad, gagged] Cavegirl: Don't like it when girls win do you? [Cavegirl pulls out gag] Cavegirl: You ever tell anyone about my dad, I'll tell everyone you've been beaten by a girl Roast's Dad: I'm not beaten yet [Cavegirl stuffs back the gag] Cavegirl: Wanna bet? [Cavegirl runs off to find Gran] Cavegirl: Gran, Gran, Gran. Whoa. You know you said no one listens to you? Gran: Yeah Cavegirl: Well I listen to you Gran: So? Cavegirl: So you know I said you couldn't prod the prisoner? Well... [Knowing smiles exchanged] |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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