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[Cavegirl is paddling a canoe]
Cavegirl: If you're an angry teenager bent on causing trouble, you're not given a second chance. You're kicked out of the village and you become a Hood...If you're fed up with the Hoods and the trouble they cause, try to find a bit of peace and quiet. [Cavegirl up a tree, Big Sis walks below] If you can't find peace and quiet, find a party [The village girls and boys are having a party. Roast's Dad spies from behind a rock] Roast's Dad: (watching Roast) I mean look at him, it's pathetic. All the other lads giving it plenty. I hate him. (to Little Bro) My father raised me to be a man. What did he get? He got a man. What do I get, what do I get for a son? What do I get, I get a fool...I've got seven kids. Six daughters and one son...and he's the only that wears a skirt. Mum: Oi!...Not you. Clifftop this afternoon Little Bro: Who's going to babysit me? Mum: Cavegirl [Mum is explaining traps while a band of Hoods sneak up] Mum: So you wind it round, twice, set the jaw and stand back Cavegirl: I know how to set a trap Mum Mum: I know you know but little brother doesn't. So you wind it round twice, set the jaw, stand back. OK, off you go [Cavegirl and Little Bro leave] Cavegirl: Don't worry Mum I'll look after him [The boys are playing pigball. Roast falls over in a pool, his Dad is watching] Roast's Dad: Hopeless, absolutely hopeless Roast: Dad you're embarrassing me Roast's Dad: No, you're embarrassing me Roast: Sorry Dad Roast's Dad: I can't even look at you. Cavegirl's babysitting Little Bro up on the cliff. Why don't you go up there and let her babysit you? Roast: But Da... Roast's Dad: Do it now...and get a haircut. Get a man's haircut like mine. [Little Bro is up a tree, Cavegirl is building a trap] Little Bro: What did Mum say again? Cavegirl: Wrap it round twice, and set the jaw Little Bro: So you wrap it round twice, set the jaw... Roast: My Dad says you've got to babysit me...Cavegirl? Cavegirl: Yeah Roast: How do you get on with your mum? Cavegirl: Fine, I love her, I hope she loves me Roast: My dad...hates me...the more he criticizes me the more I make mistakes...and the more I make mistakes the more he criticizes me Cavegirl: Not going to cry are you? Roast: No...I might...would you? Cavegirl: Would I what? Roast: Would you cry if your mum constantly shouted at you, screamed at you, embarrassed you in front of all your friends and generally made you feel like a child? Cavegirl: Probably Roast: Yeh...Well I'll probably cry Cavegirl: (to herself) Here's someone who needs some help Cavegirl: Roast? [Little Bro falls from tree, Cavegirl and Roast pick him up] [In home cave] Big Sis: I mean it Mum, take it off Mum: I'm your mother, I'm allowed to borrow your clothes if I want to Big Sis: Take it off Mum: In case you hadn't noticed, I look rather wonderful in this. A bit spec... Big Sis: Yeah right...If that top isn't off you and on me in ten seconds you've had it Big Sis: Ten! Mum: Nine! Big Sis: Eight! Mum: Seven! Big Sis: Six! Mum: Five! Big Sis: Four! Mum: Three! Big Sis: Two! Mum: One! [Cavegirl and Roast arrive carrying Little Bro] Cavegirl: Mum!...So I'm hopeless, hopeless, hopeless Mum: You are not hopeless Big Sis: Yes she is Mum: No she's not Cavegirl: Yes I am...Come on Mum, give it to me straight...what's my punishment? Big Sis: Yeah Mum, what is her punishment? Mum: There is no punishment Cavegirl: No but I don't understand Mum: There is no punishment...and I want you to look after Little Bro tomorrow Cavegirl: But that doesn't make sense Mum: Does to me Roast: Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe my dad won't be angry with me [Roast's Dad is admonishing him in front of everyone] Roast's Dad: You're useless. That boy stuff, like pigball. Now I find to my horror that you're even useless at girl's stuff. You're like a baby sitting. What use are you? Cavegirl: That's not fair. Roast was the one who carried him all the way home Roast's Dad: Oh shut up Cavegirl. Don't try to defend him, it's pathetic...and you, get up there now...on the rock of shame Mum: Come on Cavegirl. We're meant to be discussing the Hoods Roast: Well I'm in the tribe. Shouldn't I be involved? Roast's Dad: You get up on the rock of shame...You don't deserve to be involved [One of the Hoods trips Roast off the rock] Mum: The vandalism... Roast's Dad: The stealing... Mum: They're always smashing up stuff Roast's Dad: And the Hoods are always bullying people. I hate bullies Cavegirl: (to herself) He hates bullies! He's a bully. Poor Roast...Roast! [Cavegirl runs off] Roast's Dad: But the big question is, who's going to look after the children Mum: Well I think it should be Cavegirl [Cavegirl arrives to find Roast punching out the Hoods] Cavegirl: Roast, Roast...Quick hurry up, Roast's ???? the Hoods. Come on, stop running around. Run, run, run, run...Come on Roast's Dad: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Come here. I told you to stay on the rock of shame Cavegirl: But Roast fought the Hoods and chased them away Roast's Dad: He's not a fighter and I've told you once I'll tell you again don't defend him Roast: But I did fight the Hoods Roast's Dad: You're an idiot, you're a buffoon and now you're a liar. You're a complete disappointment to me boy [Cavegirl is telling the children a story] Cavegirl: Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess Little Bro: What was her name? Cavegirl: I don't know her name, she's just a beautiful princess Little Bro: But she must have a name. Cavegirl: Why? Little Bro: All beautiful princesses have names Cavegirl: OK. Once there was a beautiful princess call Cavegirl... [In the village] Mum: Gone, all gone Big Sis: What is? Mum: My stew, it's all gone Big Sis: You're trying to tell me that someone would actually steal something that you cooked Roast's Dad: My chickens, my lovely prize chickens. It's the Hoods Big Sis: The Hoods!...Mum it's the Hoods Mum: Hoods! The Hoods! Stiks: The Hoods stole my water bucket Cavegirl: ...And the beautiful princess called Cavegirl took care of everybody. And they all lived happily ever after Mum: Cavegirl! I know you're busy looking after the children but the Hoods are getting worse. They've started stealing. You've got to protect us Cavegirl: No, no, no I can't look after everybody Little Bro: Cavegirl, Cavegirl. You said the beautiful princess took care of everybody Cavegirl: But it's just a story...OK, OK. I'll think of a way to look after everybody Cavegirl: (to herself) How to look after everybody? Mmm, problem. Yep one great big fat horrible problem [Roast's dad is under a tree, Roast throws down some branches] Roast's Dad: No no no no no no no I need logs not twigs. Should have asked Cavegirl to get them for me. Get out here. You're useless. What are you? Roast: Useless Roast's Dad: I can't hear yer Roast: I'm useless and you're perfect. Is that what you want to hear? You won't be needing my help then. Chop your own wood. I know, better still get Cavegirl to do it...(to himself)...I hate my dad Cavegirl: Roast? Roast! Roast's Dad: Let him go, he's not worth it. You're not worth it! Cavegirl: (to herself) I think Roast is worth it, but I've got my own problems. I've got to find a way to protect the village from the Hoods [Fireside, Roast is blowing the embers] Roast's Dad: Call that a fire. That's not a fire. This over here is a fire. This is the fire that I made...This is what I made and this is a man's fire. This is a man's fire! What are you? Six? Roast: You know what Dad...you know most people call their fathers "Dad" because they love them. They love them. I call you "Dad" because I have to. Cavegirl: (to herself) Protect village from Hoods. Village, Hoods, protect. Hoods, protect, village...(gasp)...Hoods protect village. Mum gave me a second chance, I'll give the Hoods a second chance [Villagers scuffling with the Hoods] Cavegirl: Calm down and shut up. Shut up! Calm down! Listen to me!...As you know I'm a bit over-worked and I've decided to ask the Hoods for help (Ensemble disapproval) Cavegirl: Shut up!...Mum, can I have a word? [Cavegirl and Mum walk off and sit down] Cavegirl: When you gave me a second chance to look after Little Bro I knew I couldn't let you down. I've decided to give the Hoods a second chance. They won't let me down Mum [Back with the villagers] Mum: Quiet!...I agree with Cavegirl...I want to welcome the Hoods [Party in progress] Cavegirl: (to herself) Big Sis is always very welcoming. The Hoods are no longer any trouble. We dance together, we hunt together, we even play pigball together [By pool, pigball in progress] Cavegirl: (to a Hood) It's fantastic, we'll never be able to thank you enough for what you've done. You've been polite, courteous, and when necessary, firm [Cavegirl turns to see a Hood dunking Roast's Dad in the pool] Cavegirl: (to herself) Sometimes too firm. Hang on, I recognize that Hood [Cavegirl pulls the Hood away and takes off his hood] Cavegirl: I knew it. Why Roast? Roast: (mimicking his dad) I get no credit for being good so I might as well be bad Cavegirl: You think attacking your dad is bad? [Cavegirl leads Roast's dad to a tree] Cavegirl: (to herself) I'm about to play a very dodgy game. If I've got Roast wrong his dad dies. If I'm right if Roast wants to give his dad a second chance, if Roast really loves his dad. Well, we'll see Cavegirl: Tell me what you see? Roast's Dad: Seems to be a large chunk of red meat Cavegirl: Looking up what do you see? Roast's Dad: Seven pointed sticks [Cavegirl pulls on the meat, springing the trap. Roast runs up and pulls his dad out of the way of the pointed sticks] Roast's Dad: You idiot. You hurt my ear Roast: That was going to hit you! Roast's Dad: Pointed sticks...hurtling down...my face...you're a good boy Roast Cavegirl: (to herself) They're laughing, joking, hugging, just like a real family. Give someone a second chance and they'll probably come up trumps. I'm so pleased Little Bro fell out of that tree |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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