|
[Big Sis and Cavegirl are wrestling]
Cavegirl: Read my lips. I'm...not...collecting...food Cavegirl: (to herself) Big Sis thinks she's going to bully me. As if [Cavegirl stamps on Big Sis' foot] Big Sis: I'll get you for that Cavegirl: Yeah in your dreams Gran: Girls! Quick, I need you to find me a black furry frog and an albino spider Cavegirl: (to herself) This tribe just gets weirder and weirder Big Sis: A what? Gran: For a healing potion. Your parents, they got swamp fever. So I also need baby bat wings and monkey knuckles [Gathered round the pot] Gran: Baby bat wings... Cavegirl: (to herself) They've got swamp fever alright, but Gran's convinced she can cure them with her potion Gran: Black furry frog...albino spider...monkey knuckles Cavegirl: (to herself) Did I say cure? Maybe that should be kill Gran: Stir twice... Dad: Oh. You go first. You need it more than I do Mum: Oh don't be such a wimp Dad: Wow. It's amazing. I feel really excellent Mum: Oh, give me some of that Dad: Yeah really... [Dad passes out] Mum: Oh why... [Mum passes out] Gran: Maybe I went a little heavy on the monkey knuckles [Later] Cavegirl: How are you feeling? Dad: Bad, very bad Mum: I can't feel anything at all. Except a strange pain in my left hand [Cavegirl removes her foot from Mum's hand] Cavegirl: Hek hum Dad: Children, I'm too weak to rule the tribe. One of you is going to have to take over for a while Big Sis and Cavegirl: Excellent...who? Dad: I've decided it should be...(cough)...my eldest child. Big Sis Cavegirl: As that's going ???? say something. Are you out of your freaking mind? Big Sis: Don't worry Dad. I'll be a kind and gentle chief [Dad hands over the ceremonial sash] Cavegirl: (to herself) I've got a bad feeling about this...a very bad feeling [Later, Cavegirl is carrying fruit and water. Boys are fanning Big Sis] Big Sis: Is that all you've got? Cavegirl: Just not cut out for this food thing. But I think I'd make a truly excellent supervisor Big Sis: Forget it. Grape! Cavegirl: OK, how about this?...I'm just not doing it. How do you like that? Big Sis: Tribe! [Cavegirl surrounded by spears] Ensemble: The chief has spoken. You must obey Cavegirl: Annoying or what. Fortunately I've come up with a brilliant plan [Cavegirl and Stiks by a pool] Stiks: So let me get this straight. You want me to help you kidnap the famous Warrior healer Cavegirl: Yeah. Then he'll cure my mum and dad and things can get back to normal. Brilliant or what? Stiks: Well there's one tiny flaw Cavegirl: What? Stiks: If we go to their village the Warriors will cut off our heads and put them on sticks Cavegirl: Only if they catch us. Come on, you're not scared of a few Warriors are you? Stiks: Scared no. Terrified, yes Cavegirl: But you're going to help me, right? Stiks: Wrong. I'm quite attached to my head and I intend to stay that way Cavegirl: (to herself) I can see Stiks is in one of his stubborn moods. Time to use my feminine charms and delicate powers of persuasion [Cavegirl chasing Sticks with a spear] Stiks: That really hurts Cavegirl: Just keep moving Stiks: I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure this is against tribal law [Village, Big Sis struts about] Big Sis: I've called you all together to make an announcement. Tomorrow there's going to be a great feast Roast and Trunk: Cool Little Bro: Feast in honour of what? Big Sis: Me Roast and Trunk: Cool Big Sis: Grape Woman: Er chief? Big Sis: What? Woman: It's my son. I think he's caught swamp fever Big Sis: And that's interesting because? Little Bro: Derrr. It means it's spreading. We've all got to split up or it'll sweep through the whole tribe Big Sis: But if we split up, how can we have a feast in my honour? Little Bro: We can't b... Big Sis: Exactly. You see, that's why I'm chief, I can think these things through. Now how about roasted hog? Little Bro: But Big Sis Big Sis: (to Little Bro) Right. That's it...Since Cavegirl's run off, you can be the new food collector...Grape [Warrior camp] Stiks: A guard Cavegirl: It's OK, I've got a plan Stiks: Is it a good one? [Cavegirl raises her eyebrows. Stiks in white mud sneaks up on guard who is eating] Stiks: Wooo, wooo...wooo. I am the boogly man. Run or I'll drink your blood and eat your flesh. I am the boogly man (guard chuckles) Guard: That is so unconvincing Stiks: Run!...or I'll drink your blood and eat your flesh Guard: Try it Stiks: Umm, the scaring him away thing, it's not working Guard: Know what I'm going to do? I'm going to cut your head off, and put it on a stick Stiks: Um, hello...hello, help! [Guard whisked off to the side, to Stiks' surprise, followed by punching sounds] Guard: Please not the face Cavegirl: (to Stiks) You alright? Stiks: Yeah, wonderful, apart from the permanent emotional psychological scars Cavegirl: Good. Now let's get the healer [The healer is fast asleep] Cavegirl: There he is. Now watch and learn [Cavegirl puts hand over his mouth] Cavegirl: Are you the famous Warrior healer? Stiks: Sorry about this. Wasn't my idea Cavegirl: I'm going to take my hand off your mouth but I want you to be very very quiet...OK? Warrior Healer: Who are you? What do you want? Why's he got mud on his face?...Are you cannibals? Stiks: I'm the boogly man Warrior Healer: I knew it. You're going to drink my blood and eat my flesh Cavegirl: No, he's not actually the b...Oh forget it. You're coming with us Warrior Healer: No I'm not. And if you so much as lay a finger on me I'll shout and the guard will come running Stiks: No he won't Warrior Healer: You mean...you mean you've eaten him? Cavegirl: Whatever. The point is... Warrior Healer: No, I'm I'm not good with stress I uuuh feel like, I feel... Stiks: Faint, he was going to say faint Cavegirl: You think [Stiks and Cavegirl dragging the healer on a pole litter] Stiks: I don't know why you had to pick such a fat healer Cavegirl: Because he's supposed to be the best Stiks: Well I hope he's able to fix the terrible damage I'm doing to my back [Moans from the healer] Cavegirl: He's waking up Warrior Healer: Where am I? Cavegirl: You're with us Warrior Healer: Oh, the cannibals. So it wasn't a nightmare. I feel so weak Stiks: Yeah, but can you walk? That's all I want to know. Are you able to walk? [Village] Trunk: Big Sis I do actually think it would be a good idea...to postpone the feast Big Sis: After I've just had a new outfit made for it, no way Trunk: Yeah but... Big Sis: But but but but but that's all I ever hear. Now where's my grape bearer? Grape! Grape! Roast: (weakly) Here [Roast heaves and passes out] [Somewhere en route] Warrior Healer: How wretched am I to be devoured by cannibals Stiks: Personally I'm not that hungry Cavegirl: Look, we're not cannibals we just wan... Warrior Healer: No you can't fool me. You kidnapped me because I'm fat and now you're going to eat me. I should have stayed on that diet Cavegirl: Would you relax? My parents have got swamp fever. I just want you to heal them and then we're going to let you go Warrior Healer: You're just saying that Cavegirl: Nooo, it's true Warrior Healer: Alright. Well how am I supposed to heal anyone if I don't have my medicine bag? [Blank looks from Cavegirl and Stiks] Stiks: Which is where exactly? [Cavegirl makes frantic run back to Warrior village, despatches guard again] Guard: Not the face [Cavegirl throws bag into healer's lap] Cavegirl: Here Warrior Healer: Mmmm (munching on snack)...What? There's medicines in here as well. Anyway, I thought you might want to fatten me up [Home cave] Big Sis: I brought you some soup Dad: Ohhh Mum: You're a good girl Big Sis Dad: How are the tribe? Big Sis: Errrr, yeh, they're great. They are so great. Happy...and healthy...and well Dad: I knew you'd make a good chief (farts) Big Sis: Well, I had the best teacher Dad: (farts) Come here and give me a hug Big Sis: Are you kidding? You've got swamp fever [The trio arrive back] Trunk: (to Big Sis) The ingratitude. The sheer ingratitude Little Bro: It's Cavegirl Big Sis: Hey, you're supposed to be getting food. Not some fat guy Warrior Healer: Fat, but unappetizing Stiks: Will you shut up? We are not going to eat you Cavegirl: This, is the famous Warrior healer. He's going to cure Mum and Dad Roast: And us...if it's not too much trouble Big Sis: Right. But if he cures Dad, then Dad'll be chief again Cavegirl: Exactly Big Sis: The I'll be...I'll be... Cavegirl: Toast [Round the pot] Warrior Healer: Baby bat wings...black furry spider... Gran: Aach, black furry spider. No wond er it was so hard to find a black furry frog [Home cave, Cavegirl brings potion] Mum: So you finally decide to visit your poor dying parents have you? How kind Cavegirl: I was busy getting you this Dad: Did Gran make it 'cause if she did I'm not touching it. That woman's sick in the head Cavegirl: Don't worry, it was made by the famous Warrior healer Dad: Oh great so it's probably poisoned, it's probably an assassination attempt Cavegirl: Do you want to get better or not? Dad: Your turn to go first Mum: Be a man [Dad takes a sip] Dad: Wow, I feel excellent...really excellent...here, try some Mum: I'll just wait a minute [Village, Big Sis picks her way among the sick] Big Sis: So, if Dad does come out here, we don't want to mention the feast OK? Oh yeah, and if he asks why you're all lying down, just say... Dad: Big Sis!...What's all this Big Sis: Dad!..You're better...great. They're umm...they're resting Cavegirl: No they're not, they've got swamp fever Dad: What!...But you were the chief...Why didn't you split the tribe up? Big Sis: Well because umm...that is to say...not to put too fine a point on it...it was err Dad: The what? Ensemble Sick: The Feast [Feast] Cavegirl: (to herself) I'm so glad Dad's decided to go ahead with the feast. Gives me a chance to show off my new dress. Like Big Sis could have worn this anyway, with her legs. I mean, come on [Stiks and Warrior healer sat down] Cavegirl: Hey look at them dance Warrior Healer: Oh Cavegirl: Your potion's amazing Warrior Healer: Oh it's just a little something I threw together [Dad gives the Healer a big cooked leg] Dad: Here Warrior Healer: Is it? I mean is that a... [Stiks puts his head in his hands] Cavegirl: Would you relax, it's hog Warrior Healer: Ohh Dad: So how's the guest of honour? Cavegirl: Guest of honour, how cool is that? I'm fine... [Big Sis is collecting food] Cavegirl: Just fine |
last updated Jan 7th 06
Pictures and original script are copyright of the respective production
company Transcript, further editing and webdesign
copyright Starman* 2006