[Trunk and Big Sis are kissing]

Trunk: Can I take you to Cavegirl's birthday party?

[Cavegirl appears from behind tree]

Cavegirl: (to herself) I'm not looking forward to my party. Everyone's going to be there. Anyone not taking a boy's laughed at

Trunk: Can I put my hand on your leg?

[Cavegirl springs up between the couple]

Cavegirl: Shhhh

[Cavegirl drops out of sight]

Trunk: Can I pant like a hog when I'm kissing you?

Cavegirl: Don't you shut up?

Big Sis: Yes, you can pant like a hog when you're kissing me. Yes you can put your hand on my leg. No you can't take me to the party. I'm going with my boyfriend

Trunk: Yeah but you haven't got a boyfriend

Big Sis: Well for the party I will have...and he'll be much better looking than you

Cavegirl: Shhhh...mean shhhh. Now put your hand on her leg and pant like a hog while you kiss her. But do it quietly. Some of us are on a hunt.

 

[Cavegirl heads off, watches Roast washing]

Cavegirl: (to herself) It's easy for Big Sis. Everyone wants to go with (squeaky voice) the best looking girl in the village. Me, if I don't want to be laughed at, I have to get someone to go with. I have to find myself a boy, track him down and catch him

[Cavegirl jumps down to the water and tackles Roast]

Cavegirl: You're coming to my party with me

Roast: Your big sis might ask me

Cavegirl: You're coming with me

[Roast breaks free]

Cavegirl: I'm going to hunt you down

 

[Back in the home cave, Cavegirl seated, Big Sis just arriving]

Cavegirl: (to herself) If I were a boy I'd probably fancy her. Wish someone would fancy me.

[Big Sis is shaving her legs with a flint]

Cavegirl: Doesn't that hurt?

Big Sis: It's one of the terrible things about having great legs, you've got to keep them smooth. My skirt ready yet?

[Cavegirl, who was sitting on skirt, gets up and holds up skirt]

Cavegirl: Bit short?

Big Sis: What's the point of having great legs if no one can see them?

Cavegirl: (to herself) Great legs, great face, hate her

[Stiks pokes his head round skin covering entrance]

Stiks: (to Big Sis) You er wanted to see me?

Cavegirl: Can't you wait outside, Big Sis hasn't got her skirt on yet

Big Sis: Doesn't matter...Yea I wanted to see you...(looks at Cavegirl and pushes her)...You I don't

[Big Sis beckons Stiks in with her finger]

 

[Cavegirl leaves cave and sees someone]

Cavegirl: Oi...Roast come here

 

[Back at home cave, Big Sis with Yoke]

Big Sis: I've been waiting for you. I think you're old enough for me now. I've decided to let you take me to the party

Yoke: The thing is, while you've been waiting for me to get older, you've been getting older

Big Sis: So?

Yoke: So you're still too old for me

Big Sis: What!

 

[Cavegirl chasing after Big Sis who's chasing after Roast. Cavegirl gives up]

Cavegirl: Big Sis, Big Sis...You can have anyone it's my birthday let me have this one

Cavegirl: (to herself) Great legs, great face, great runner, really hate her

Cavegirl: Big Sis 's mine

[Cavegirl finds Big Sis alone among some rocks]

Cavegirl: Where is he?

Big Sis: Who? Who are you talking about?

Cavegirl: Roast...The boy you were chasing...He's mine

Big Sis: I wasn't chasing a boy

Cavegirl: Then what are you doing in here?

Big Sis: Hiding. From your birthday

Cavegirl: Why?

Big Sis: I've always wanted Yoke, but he said I was too old for him. If I don't go to your party then your birthday never happened...and if your birthday never happened, you don't get older. You don't get older, I don't get older. I could just sit here and wait for Yoke to catch up a few years. Brilliant isn't it.

Cavegirl: (to herself) Great legs, great face, great runner...Completely daft

[Roast runs past and Cavegirl gives chase]

Cavegirl: See ya

Big Sis: No you won't


[Somewhere else, Stiks is making faces]

Stiks: Ye..er...Urrr...Niaa..(untranslatable)

[Roast runs past followed by Cavegirl. Stiks jumps out on Cavegirl and does one of his faces]

Cavegirl: Ah!..What are you doing?

Stiks: It's your birthday and I wasn't sure what to give you, so I thought I'd give you a fright

Cavegirl: I don't want a fright for my birthday

Stiks: It's a really good fright

Cavegirl: I don't want it

Stiks: What do you want?

Cavegirl: I want Roast

 

[Cavegirl resumes chase after Roast]

Cavegirl: Roast!...Roast

[They end up back in cave, Cavegirl cannot see Roast who is hiding]

Cavegirl: You won't have to kiss me or anything...Once the dancing has started you can get off with somebody else...I won't mind...I'm really begging you...You've just got to pretend to like me...Please?...It is my birthday

Trunk: (from cave entrance) Cavegirl, your big sister decide who she's taking to the party yet?

Cavegirl: She's not going

Trunk: Oh, right

[Trunk turns and leaves]

Cavegirl: Roast!

Trunk: Are you going?

Cavegirl: 'Course I'm going

Trunk: Do you want to go with me?...Think about it.

Cavegirl: (to herself) I've thought about it

 

[Cavegirl rushes off, leaving Roast still hiding in the cave]

Cavegirl: Yes. Trunk, 'course I'll go with you...Trunk?...Trunk?

[Dad and Mum arrive]

Dad: Is it true Big Sis' left the village?

Cavegirl: Yup

Mum: Never coming back?

Cavegirl: So she says...I'm sorry

Dad: That's a terrible thing...Right, sad bit over...I want her winter pelt

Mum: No I want the winter pelt

Dad: I'm having the winter pelt

 

[Cavegirl goes back inside cave where Roast is sitting]

Roast: Can't believe Trunk said he'd take you to the party. Probably the best-looking boy in the village. With Big Sis gone, that might make you the best-looking girl in the village

Cavegirl: (to herself) The moment one wants you, they all want you

Cavegirl: Do you want to put your hand on my leg?

Roast: Yeeah

Cavegirl: Do you want to pant like a hog while you kiss me?

Roast: Uh huh

Cavegirl: Do you want to take me to the party?

Roast: Uh huh

Cavegirl: Tough

 

[Cavegirl runs off]

Cavegirl: (to herself) With Big Sis gone I might be the best-looking girl in the village, and if you want to be the best, best talk to an expert

[Cavegirl finds Big Sis]

Big Sis: It's not just about being pretty. It's not easy lying around in the sun and looking gorgeous...Takes work...Diet

Cavegirl: I can diet

Big Sis: You don't need to diet

Cavegirl: Then what did you say it for?

Big Sis: I like to tell people to diet, makes me feel better about myself. Can you lead boys on?

Cavegirl: Yer I did it earlier, I was good at it

Cavegirl: Did he cry?

Cavegirl: No

Big Sis: Uh. You have to be able to make them cry...wash...get a new outfit...do your hair...scrape your legs...then maybe...maybe you'll have a chance

 

[Cavegirl redos her image]

Cavegirl: OK OK OK, here goes

[Cavegirl finds Stiks]

Cavegirl: (mumbling aloud to herself) ...Gorgeous, I'm gorgeous, gorgeous, right, here we go

[Stiks jumps down and Cavegirl screams]

Cavegirl: Aww, told you I didn't want a fright for my birthday

Stiks: I'm not going to give you a fright for your birthday. Rather than give you a fright I'm going to give you a mean stare.

Cavegirl: I don't want a mean stare

Stiks: It's a really good mean stare

Cavegirl: Well I don't want it

Stiks: I worked really hard on it

Cavegirl: Don't want your poxy mean stare

Stiks: Well what do you want?

Cavegirl: I want to be the best-looking girl in the village

Stiks: (as Cavegirl leaves) You always have been that

 

[In the village, the drummer's drumming. Cavegirl struts and poses wearing her green grass outfit]

Cavegirl: (to herself) Come on girl, give it plenty...I can't believe it...They want me...and why not, I'm obviously gorgeous. Stuff Trunk. I'll have him first...then him...then him...then him...then him...then him. In a few birthdays time, I'll be able to...make the most of it girl, have them all

[Cavegirl poses but is run over by rush of guys who ignore her. They crowd round Nettle]

Cavegirl: Competition

 

[Nettle and Cavegirl are walking together]

Nettle: So I heard your big sis wasn't about

Cavegirl: So

Nettle: So, maybe now I'm the best-looking girl in the village

Cavegirl: I don't know about that...I mean, looks-wise you're only a six

Nettle: I'm a seven

Cavegirl: Then what am I?

Nettle: I dunno? Four?

Cavegirl: A four?

Nettle: Maybe a five

Cavegirl: And you're a seven?

Nettle: OK, maybe I'm an eight

Cavegirl: With your hair?

Nettle: Nothing wrong with my hair...covers my head

Cavegirl: Should cover your face

Nettle: (breaking into tears) That is a terrible thing to say

Cavegirl: I know

Cavegirl: (to herself) Excellent, best-looking girl in the village has to be able to upset people. I'm obviously made for the job

Nettle: (defiantly) There's nothing wrong with my face

 

[Nettle and Cavegirl are rolling on the ground fighting when Yoke runs up and tries to separate them]

Yoke: Oi!

Cavegirl: (terrible lip sync) I thought I should tell you that Big Sis thinks that if she doesn't go to my birthday party then for her the party never happened...Stupid isn't it? She actually believes that if my birthday never happened, I don't get older. If I don't get older, she thinks she doesn't get older. She doesn't want to get older because she's waiting for you to get older.

[Yoke runs off, Cavegirl and Nettle resume fighting. A crowd gathers]

The Masses: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight

[Cavegirl and Nettle's mums and Dad rush in]

Mum: Right you two

[Dad picks them up by the scruff of the neck]

Dad: Punishment Pit!

 

[The pair are thrown into the pit with a scream]

Mum: Fighting over looks

Nettle's Mum: Ridiculous

Mum: Pathetic

Dad: And you'll stay there, tied up, until you see sense



[Mum and Nettle's mum walking together]

Mum: Little girls

Nettle's Mum: With big ideas, how could your daughter think she could be the best-looking girl in the village

Mum: Makes you laugh

Nettle's Mum: I mean looks-wise what is she? A four?

Mum: Oh possibly a five

Nettle's Mum: My daughter is at least a seven

Mum: And Cavegirl's a five?

Nettle's Mum: Maybe a six

Mum: And your daughter's a seven


 
[Back at the Punishment Pit]

Dad: No one cares who looks better than who

Cavegirl: (to herself) Dads don't know it, but looking nice is important. Looking better than your mates. Heh, vital.

[Sound of "Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight in the distance, Dad runs off]

 

[Mum and Nettle's mum are on the ground pulling each other's hair. Dad rushes in and picks them up by the scruff of the neck]

Dad: Right you two...Punishment Pit

 

[At the Punishment Pit, Mum is turning the air blue with her swearing as Dad ties her up]

Cavegirl: (to herself) I've seen all sixteen rude words drawn on cave walls. Until now I've never actually heard them. I'd heard Dad could change his mind really quickly but until now I never actually seen it happen

Dad: Yeah OK, OK, I'll forget the punishment I'll let you out

Mum: (gesturing at Cavegirl) And her?

Dad: Eh

Mum: She's got a contest to win

Nettle's Mum: So's my daughter

Dad: Alright, I'll let you all out

 

[Party time, everyone is dancing]

Cavegirl: (to herself) My birthday party...and to help me get voted best-looking girl in the village, Mum's given me the dress she used to wear to parties. Uh, she must have looked a right tart...Maybe I look a right tart...Excellent

[Cavegirl gives a hard stare. Nettle looks away]

Cavegirl: (to herself) Turns out Stiks' mean stare is quite a good present after all. He's given it to me, so I'm giving it to Nettle



[The party goes outside]

Mum: As you all know, my eldest daughter's no longer with us. However, in family tradition...and with great pride

[Mum sticks her head between Cavegirl's legs]

Mum: And with great pride, I offer you the new best-looking girl of the village

[Mum stands up with Cavegirl on her shoulders]

Nettle's Mum: And I too have a ???? daughter

[Nettle's mum raises her daughter too. One of the spectators throws a lump of mud which hits Cavegirl, then another]

Cavegirl: Oooow...Stop it!

Mum: That's two

Cavegirl: And again, stop it!

Mum: The women of the village decide who the prettiest is, women hate pretty girls. The more mud that hits you, the better you do

[Splat on Mum]

Mum: Was that just a bad shot or do I take that as a compliment?

Cavegirl: (to Big Sis standing close-by) I thought you were waiting for Yoke to get older?

Big Sis: He doesn't want to get older

Cavegirl: What?

 

[Later at some rocks, Yoke sitting on top, Cavegirl at the bottom of the rock wall]

Cavegirl: My big sis says that you don't want to get older. She says that you're waiting for me to get older

Yoke: Thing is I've always fancied you but you've always been too young...so now I'm going to stay here for a year or so 'til you're old enough for me

Cavegirl: That age thing isn't the problem. The problem is you're obviously really stupid...(under the breath)...even though you're gorgeous...I don't want to go out with someone who's so...so boringly stupid, sorry

Cavegirl: (to herself) Mum's please to be the mother of the best-looking girl in the village again. And even though Big Sis has made me promise never to tell anyone that Yoke liked me better, it's nice to found out someone fancies you, especially on your birthday

Mum: Lovely isn't she?

Dad: I don't see what all the fuss is about. How you look doesn't matter. Girls aren't here to look pretty. They're here to carry water, wrestle logs, cook and ?????.

Cavegirl: It's nice to be pretty Dad

Dad: Men aren't impressed with pretty. What a man wants in a woman is a good strong back, wide hips, and plenty of fat on her to keep him warm at night. Why do you think I married your mother?

[Mum gives Dad the evil eye]

Cavegirl: (to herself) Really wrong to say Dad

 

[The Punishment Pit, Dad tied up]

Dad: How long have I got to stay in here?

Mum: Pretend not to hear him

Dad: Mum!