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[Two Horned warriors are setting a trap]
1st Warrior: It's going to happen 2nd Warrior: It's not going to happen 1st Warrior: I promise you, one day it's going to happen. Someone's going to fall for it [In the village, Dad is trying to chop a small tree with a rock] Cavegirl: Take you ages doing it like that Dad: Do you mind, I'm busy Cavegirl: First.. [Cavegirl snatches the rock] Cavegirl: You want to drop the little ones Dad: I don't need the little ones Stiks: (to Cavegirl) What are you doing? Cavegirl: Making life easy.....Oh [Cavegirl pulls strip of leather from Stiks' shirt. Cavegirl ties rock to big stick and chops down the tree] Cavegirl: Let's call it an axe [Big Sis and Mum are by the side of a stream] Big Sis: ...and I was kissing Roast and this tree fell on my leg and it really hurts and now my legs look horrible and they're not horrible, they're beautiful [Cavegirl and Stiks arrive] Mum: Mummy make it better Cavegirl: Not like that you won't Big Sis: It really hurts Cavegirl: Shut up [Cavegirl scoops up some water, splashes it on the leg and blows] Cavegirl: Clean the wound...Dry it off...Bandage it up Mum: Not the way we do it Cavegirl: Then you've been doing it wrong Stiks: Don't talk to your Mum like that Cavegirl: If you're wrong, you're wrong Big Sis: It does feel better Mum: Aw, shut up [A short distance away Stiks pushes Cavegirl against a rock wall] Stiks: You're getting a bit full of yourself Cavegirl: No I'm not Stiks: You've got to be careful, older people like to think they know everything. I know you're different and a bit clever, but not everybody else wants to know Cavegirl: You think I'm different? Stiks: I think you're wonderful Cavegirl: You can kiss me if you like Stiks: (guffaw) Cavegirl: What's funny? Stiks: Girls Cavegirl: What about them? Stiks: You tell them "You're wonderful" and they'll do anything for you Cavegirl: You said I was different Stiks: Not that different Cavegirl: I am different...Watch this [Cavegirl runs off to where Dad is carring a big piece of wood] Cavegirl: Dad!...Dad!...Dad what are you doing? Dad: We're carrying these logs from here to here Cavegirl: What do you mean carrying them? Dad: Well, there's no easy way Cavegirl: 'Course there is...All you've got to do is this...this...this...and this [Cavegirl rolls the big log on small round logs] Cavegirl: What are you making anyway? [At the prison, Dad and Cavegirl on either side of the bars] Dad: A better prison Cavegirl: Why am I here? Dad: For being a smart Alec. No one likes a smart Alec Cavegirl: I was helping Dad: You were embarassing me, you're always doing that. I'm the head of the tribe, head of the family. I'm the one that knows best. You're going to stay in there until you learn to keep your thoughts to yourself Cavegirl: But Da.. Dad: To your self Cavegirl: I was jus.. Dad: I don't want to hear it Cavegirl, you are not going to make an idiot out of me again. [Dad turns round, takes some steps and turns back] Dad: Something wrong Cavegirl: Yep, I was trying to tell you should be on this side of the cage...(smile and wave)...See ya Dad: Cavegirl!...Cavegirl! [Stiks arrives] Stiks: Cavegirl, there's a problem [As Dad tries to free himself, Stiks and Cavegirl run off in the direction of shouts of anguish. Roast laying on ground surrounded by group of the tribe] Roast: Me and Big Sis were kissing...and a tree fell on her leg and she couldn't kiss any more so...so I started kissing someone else and she saw and she kicked me and it really hurts ow! [Gran slaps some goop on his leg] Gran: Mud will help Cavegirl: No it won't. Basically it's very simple. All you need is a wounded leg, a fresh bowl of water, and a length of leather. This you can tear from any garment...But ask your parents first Gran: Can you get on with it? I haven't got time for all this Cavegirl: Of course Cavegirl: So as not to waste time, here's one I prepared earlier [Cavegirl lifts up Big Sis' leg] Stiks: Cavegirl, can you heal my leg? Cavegirl: I haven't really got time Trunk: You're too selfish now to share your powers are you? Cavegirl: It's not powers, it's just common sense Gran: Well share your common sense then Cavegirl: It'll take me ages to teach you lot common sense Mum: Are you being rude young lady? Cavegirl: Noo Mum: (louder) Are you being rude young lady? Cavegirl: (with attitude) Yes, I'm being rude Mum: Get her! [Tribe chase Cavegirl but she ducks into a crevice in the rocks] [Cavegirl back at the prison] Cavegirl: Why are you still here Dad? Dad: Tried and tried and I can't get that lock thing to work [Cavegirl turns the lock a few times and the door swings open. Dad walks out. Awkward silence] Cavegirl: Can't help knowing this stuff Dad: Every now and then, someone comes along who is a bit more clever, and they teach people stuff, and that's how we all become a bit more clever Cavegirl: The word's progress Dad Dad: Shut up...The problem is, you're not just a bit more clever, you're...you're a miracle, and I made you. How's a daft man make a miracle like you Cavegirl: But Dad I.. Dad: Don't know everything? Cavegirl: I don't know.. Dad: How it works with boys Cavegirl: How to... Dad: Pretend I'm not upset when really I'm crying Cavegirl: Hooow.. Dad: To deal with knowing more than everyone else Cavegirl: And I don't know how you know what I'm thinking Dad: I might be daft but you're still my daughter and I'm still your Dad [sound of approaching irate tribe members] Dad: You'd better go...But take care...People don't like those who are smarter than them...Best learn to disguise it [Cavegirl kisses Dad and runs off] Dad: (among shouting) Trouble with miracles is everybody wants to hurt them [The two Horned warriors sit and wait. Cavegirl is still being chased] Cavegirl: (to herself) Can't help being clever...Not hard to be clever when everybody else's daft...Not my fault I'm a bit ahead of the game...I can't help it if I see things other people don't [Cavegirl goes flying into Horned warrior's trap] Cavegirl: (to herself) OK, I don't see everything [Tribe stop chasing, warriors take off their animal skulls] 1st Warrior: Is she dead? Cavegirl: (to herself) Girl, just keep your eyes and mouth shut [Second warrior kicks Cavegirl over with his foot] Cavegirl: (to herself) Just my luck, a guy who takes pride in his work 2nd Warrior: Yep, she's dead Cavegirl: (to herself) Excellent...I think [All the Horned warriors are gathered around Cavegirl] 2nd Warrior: Having trapped and killed the beast, I now display her before you 1st Warrior: She's not dead 2nd Warrior: Of course she's dead, she doesn't move, she doesn't speak, she's dead [Cavegirl gets up] Shaman: It's a miracle. She must be the Chosen One Cavegirl: The what one? Shaman: The Chosen One. You are the Chosen One Cavegirl: Is that good? Shaman: Of course it's good. Anyone with talent, progressive thinking we hold in high esteem Cavegirl: (to herself) I knew I was special Shaman: Hail the Chosen One. She that can heal all sickness The Masses: Hail the Chosen One. She that can heal all sickness Cavegirl: She that can what? Shaman: Heal all sickness Shaman: Heal the sick, heal them Cavegirl: But what if I can't? Shaman: Well then you die Cavegirl: But I'm the Chosen One Shaman: Not if you can't heal them Cavegirl: (to herself) Mmmm, tricky [Cavegirl moves to one of the sick] Cavegirl: Blind. Yoooou're healed Blind Guy: (running off) Yessss, I can see Shaman: He can see The Masses: He can see Blind Guy: I can see [Blind guy falls over log] Blind Guy: No I can't Shaman: Get her! [Cavegirl chased by entire Horned Tribe] Cavegirl: (to herself) Note to the future. Dads are normally wrong, but on this occasion, my Dad's spot on. If you feel a bit special, sometimes it's best to keep it to yourself [Gran sees Cavegirl being chased and hits the warning drum. The tribe mobilize.] Cavegirl: The Horned Tribe are coming, the Horned Tribe are coming Big Sis: Now we'll all be slaughtered Cavegirl: Not necessarily Stiks: You got a plan? Cavegirl: Of course I've got a plan...It's not a great plan...It's a normal nothing special plan that anyone could have come up with Dad: Let's hear the plan Cavegirl: Well, everyone's involved. We all play a part. Let's huddle Cavegirl: Dad, remember outside the prison when you knew everything I thought? Dad: Yea Cavegirl: Well... [The Horned Tribe arrive. Cavegirl appears from behind a big rock] Cavegirl: My power is awesome. I am...the Chosen One Shaman: No you're not. You're just a silly little girl Cavegirl: Sometimes I'm a silly little girl... [Cavegirl disappears behind rock, Little Bro appears] Cavegirl: (voice) Sometimes I'm a small boy, but sometimes... [Little Bro disappears behind rock, Dad appears] Cavegirl: (voice) Using my mystical powers, I transform myself into a large wild beast man, grrrr [Dad disappears behind rock, Mum appears] Cavegirl: (voice) I am the all-powerful [Mum disappears behind rock, Cavegirl appears] Cavegirl: (voice) You must bow before me [Roast jumps down from nearby rock] Roast: Oh yeah, you don't scare me [Cavegirl swooshes her pelvis and gives a good thrust at Roast with a resounding boom. Roast clutches his stomach and falls down] [Stiks is standing on another rock] Stiks: You can't do that to my mate [Cavegirl swooshes her pelvis and thrusts her rear at Stiks with another resounding boom. Stiks falls off the rock with a cry] Roast: Cavegirl, you can't do that to our tribe...Get her! [The tribe run at Cavegirl screaming. Cavegirl rattles off a volley of pelvic thrusts. The tribe are decimated amid the resounding booms. Oh the humanity. The tribe are all downed. Cavegirl stands and looks at the Horned Tribe defiantly. They turn and flee] Cavegirl: Wait...I know I'm the almighty all-powerful all-splendid one...(to the 1st Warrior)...but I am still just a girl 1st Warrior: So? Cavegirl: So I don't suppose you're free tonight? 1st Warrior: No, my mum doesn't like me talking to girls [Cavegirl does a couple of threatening pelvic swooshes] 1st Warrior: OK, OK fair enough fair enough. I'm sure in your case my mum can make an exception Cavegirl: Excellent |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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