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[Dad is leaving the village]
Roast: This is going to be great. We can do what we want, when we want...Play pigball, eat, sleep, all when we want Stiks: I wonder what Dad's brother's going to be like Roast: You've seen one mammoth man, you've seen them all Cavegirl: That's my dad you're talking about Trunk: What's going on? Cavegirl: Well... Stiks: Well the mammoth man's brother's going to be head of the tribe while mammoth man...sorry...Dad, is off living out with the other tribe leaders Trunk: Yeah, while we're living it up here (laughter) [Big Sis and Nettle walk past Roast] Roast: As I sit up here on my own I see two beautiful young women. Naughty Nettle and beautiful Big Sis. Which one are going to look at me first? Neither. Nobody has any interest in me whatsoever. Am I going to go take a swim now on my own I think so I'm going going gone Cavegirl: (to herself) I'm gutted about Dad going away. I wonder how Mum feels about it? Big Sis: (holding her palm in Cavegirl's face) Don't ask. She's been like it all day Cavegirl: (to herself) Weird or what? Cavegirl: Mum, are you missing Dad? Mum: (transcendentally) Am I missing Dad? [Flashback at poolside, Mum doing laundry] Dad: Are my pants washed yet? Mum: No! Dad: You said they'd be ready Mum: Well they're not ready Dad: Well wash harder [Flashback in home cave] Dad: (to Cavegirl) Men aren't impressed with pretty. What a man wants in a woman is a good strong back, wide hips and plenty of fat on her to keep him warm at night. Why do you think I married your mother? Mum: Do I miss Dad? Like I miss toothache. I'm enjoying getting in touch with my...inner self Cavegirl: (to herself) Is that wise? Gran: Cavegirl! Come with me Cavegirl: Where are we going? Cavegirl: (to herself) Gran was going yap yap yap yap yap yap. She would not stop talking about how much she hated uncle. But, she wouldn't explain why. Something's up Gran: Think of the...the rudest word you can think of. Think of it ten times over and double it. That's uncle [Uncle meets Mum] Mum: I was doing my hair I heard you coming. I didn't want you to see me like this. I'm sorry Uncle: You haven't changed a bit Gran: She's older, and fatter Cavegirl: (to herself) That's outrageous. Why's Gran being so rude? And why is Mum looking at Uncle like that? [Later] Cavegirl: (to herself) Uncle just won't leave Mum alone, and Mum seems a little too grateful [Home cave, Uncle finishes some repairs] Mum: Oh thank you. I've only been asking Dad to do that for the past six months Uncle: Pleasure Mum: Um, like to stay to dinner? Uncle: Oh that... [Gran comes flying in with a spear] Gran: Don't even think about it. Out! Don't (unintelligible tirade as Gran sees Uncle off)...I told you it was going to be trouble. Stay away from her Cavegirl: I want the truth and I want it now Gran: Your mother wasn't always an old bag. Many years ago she was very young and very beautiful, and very much in love Cavegirl: Yeah well I know about mum and dad Gran Gran: Not your mum and dad...your mum and Uncle Cavegirl: (gasp) Gran: I told the silly little cow she had to make a choice...don't get me wrong Cavegirl, I love love, but sometimes, family comes first Cavegirl: (to herself) Aaaah. So Mum was in love with Uncle and with Dad out the village, and Uncle in the village...(gasp)...this could rip our family apart. I've got to talk to Mum Mum: (to imaginary interviewer) I'd been married to Dad for two years when I met Uncle. It was difficult because...there was just something there Cavegirl: Mum! Mum! Mum...Mum I know about you and Uncle. It's OK...but I want to know why Mum: Things don't work out the way you plan...they get lost along the way Cavegirl: I've been talking to Gran. I think you made the right choice then...You've got to make the same choice now Mum: No! I can't Cavegirl: (to herself) This is even worse than I thought. If Mum won't stick with Dad, better make sure that everyone else will [The boys and girls are all gathering] Cavegirl: Guys! Roast: What do you think of our new place? Cavegirl: I love it...Roast? Roast: Yeah? Cavegirl: There's a problem in the tribe Roast: What sort of problem? Cavegirl: (to herself) I told Roast we must get rid of Uncle Roast: No way. Nobody's kicking Uncle out the village Cavegirl: Uncle Uncle: It must be marvellous to have a place of your own to enjoy your freedom Big Sis: You imagine Dad ever saying that Cavegirl: (to herself) I'm stuffed. It's looking dodgy for Dad. Everyone loves Uncle [Big Sis to imaginary interviewer] Big Sis: I have got this gorgeous feather dress, but there was always something missing. Uncle suggested a, cheeky little necklace. Set the look off perfect [Roast to imaginary interviewer] Roast: Oh there was this joke he told...umm...it was about a baboon and no no I won't tell it I'll, I'll mess it up [Stiks to imaginary interviewer] Stiks: He may be a small man but he is huuuge. You don't have to be big to be impressive. He's got a big heart and big up ???? Vote Uncle [Roast to imaginary interviewer, laughing hysterically] [Nettle to imaginary interviewer] Nettle: You know what I just love? It's his excellent dietary advice. I know, you'd never think. I mean I've tried diet after diet after diet and I'm on his new fruit plan now and it's worked absolute wonders. I mean, the pounds are just dripping off... Not that I need to lose... [Roast to imaginary interviewer] Roast: I'm sorry, he may not be much to look at but he's a very...very funny bloke Cavegirl: (to herself) My uncle funny? He's not funny. He's taken my mum, he's taken the village. My uncle's taking the...(blast from horn) [Cavegirl arguing with group of villagers] Cavegirl: Have you forgotten what a great leader Dad was? [Cavegirl blows horn to hush everyone] Cavegirl: What about the time when we got attacked? Who was there to protect us? Dad...was [Tumultuous arguing, Cavegirl blows the horn] Cavegirl: Whenever there's a tribal dispute, who sorts it out? Dad does...The head of the tribe should be a big strong man. No one's bigger or stronger than my dad Ensemble: Dad out! Dad out! Dad out!... Cavegirl: (to herself) Not working. I'm giving them Dad's good points. All they can talk about are Dad's bad points. I can't believe what they say about him [Roast to imaginary interviewer] Roast: And it's Uncle storming ahead in the popularity stakes in the village. Leaving Dad out in the middle of nowhere with no way home [Uncle glides god-like through throng] Ensemble: Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Roast: But hold on what's this? Not only is Uncle favourite among the villager he's set to become chief of the tribe [Mum to imaginary interviewer] Mum: Dad...he...he's a good man...but he doesn't understand and he doesn't...try to understand me, and...sometimes I can be really unhappy. I feel so alone...and he doesn't even notice that I feel unhappy and that I'm alone. Dad's eyes never smiled at me...I've always felt lonely with Dad...I feel lonely when I'm with Dad...no [Uncle glides god-like through throng] Ensemble: Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Uncle in! Cavegirl: What is this going to do to Dad? Mum: Oh stuff Dad Cavegirl: What do you mean "Stuff Dad"? Think about the memories...all the love Mum [Mum remininisces Dad's better points, and their wedding vow renewal] Dad: I want you to know how much I love you. How much you mean to the family...and me...and how much you mean to my world [Present] Mum: You're right Cavegirl. I've got loads of happy memories. I nearly made a mistake [The horn sounds, Cavegirl and Mum run to village] Roast: When I place this belt round your waist, you shall become the chief of the tribe Cavegirl: Wait...He's not a leader Trunk: That's what we want... [Mum pushes Trunk aside] Mum: Never mind what you want. You'll get what you are given...and that's Dad Uncle: But I thought... Mum: No one could replace Dad Uncle: But I could be a great leader Cavegirl: Not without the belt you couldn't [Cavegirl runs off with the belt and Uncle chases. Mum sends Stiks flying; Trunk rushes in with a cry and is laid out by a straight right from Mum] [Cavegirl stops for Uncle] Cavegirl: Do you really want to be head of the tribe? Uncle: Yes Cavegirl: Do you really want to replace my Dad? Uncle: Yes Cavegirl: Even though it will make the woman you've always loved...despise you Uncle: No Cavegirl: Sorry Uncle [They embrace] Uncle: Come and visit me Cavegirl [Uncle heads off] Cavegirl: (to herself) Uncle's gone home, and Dad, Dad's coming back. I really love my Dad |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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