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Cavegirl: (to herself) I've just got to sprint to my cave with no one seeing me. Ready?
Cavegirl: Ready Cavegirl: (to herself) Out all night. I can hear Dad now, "Punishment Pit!" Unless of course I don't get caught. You don't get caught...you don't get it in the ear Cavegirl: Hello?...Hello! Cavegirl: (to herself) Well that's all very strange. No one here, no one to miss me. Excellent [Throng of villagers chasing Big Sis appear, Cavegirl runs off but stops and lets them past. Dad tackles Big Sis] [Back at home cave] Big Sis: I don't want to do it Cavegirl: What's going on? Big Sis: I really don't want to do it. Why me? Cavegirl: I'd like to know what's going on Big Sis: Why do I have to do it? Dad: Because you're a very pretty girl. Now shut up and put this sack on your head [Cavegirl looks at Mum who's face is caked in white guck] Mum: Goat lard Cavegirl: Explain? Mum: Very simple, you stick your hand inside a goat... Cavegirl: Not where the lard came from, what's it doing on your face? Mum: Ah right. Well that's simple. This morning something a bit nasty happened [Flashback to village being raided] Cavegirl: You were attacked! Dad: Right [Big Sis escapes wearing sack on head and is chased by Dad and Cavegirl] Cavegirl: Why didn't someone sound the warning drum? Dad: 'Cause you can't see everything from where the warning drum is Mum: Dad's decided we need a better place for the warning drum Cavegirl: Where would he find a better place for the warning drum? Mum: Dad did a deal Cavegirl: What sort of deal? Mum: Their chief 's got a son. If we were to use their land we have to offer a bride...Not every day you give away a daughter. I want to look my best. For good skin you can't beat goat lard. So in answer to your question, that's why it's smeared on my face Cavegirl: So what does this sack on the head mean? Dad: A sack signifies the darkness in which she's been living. At the end of the marriage ceremony, when the sack is pulled off, she sees her husband...and what happens? Big Sis: I vomit Dad: The light comes back into your life Big Sis: I can't marry someone I don't know. I can get off with someone I don't know, but I can't marry them [Big Sis runs off but is tripped by Mum] Dad: I don't give a stuff what you want. I want a good place for the warning drum Mum: Just do as you're told Cavegirl: Yeah do as you're told Big Sis: I don't want to get married Cavegirl: It's easy to get married. Mum, show her how it's done Mum: Oh I couldn't Cavegirl: Course you could. Take yourself back a few years...Once again you're a very gorgeous girl Mum: I'm still a very gorgeous girl Cavegirl: Take yourself back to when you were a slightly younger, very gorgeous girl Mum: OK Cavegirl: Dad, you're a fine muscular young man about to marry the girl you love. Right, now sacks on heads...and say the wedding words and show Big Sis how it's done [Once sacks are on, Cavegirl frees Big Sis] Mum: Er your love will give me light, and then the man says... Dad: Your cooking better be good, and she says... Mum: I will adore your face forever then he says... Dad: If the cave isn't kept tidy, you'll sleep outside with the dogs Mum: Then we took the sacks off Dad: Kiss and...Cavegirl? Mum: Big Sis! Dad: Cavegirl! [Running hand in hand Cavegirl and Big Sis arrive at a pool and flop down on the sand] Big Sis: Thanks Cavegirl: Don't get me wrong. Normally I'd love to see you in trouble [Face appears out of the sand between the two] Chief's Son: I'm trying to hide Big Sis: What are you hiding from? Chief's Son: My Dad says I've got to marry a girl from another village. Apparently she's quite nice looking. Fit???? but she's well, lazy, and she puts it about a bit. You know what I mean? Big Sis: Do tell me more Chief's Son: You don't want to hear about some old tart Big Sis: No, really, I do Chief's Son: Well, according to some of my mates... [Dad and other Chief searching nearby] Dad: Anything? Chief: He could be anywhere [Sound of Big Sis fighting with Chief's Son] Cavegirl: Dad's coming Chief: There! Dad: (seeing the pair rolling around) I knew this would work out Big Sis: You called me a tart Dad: I think they're kissing Big Sis: (to Cavegirl) Where we used to play when we were little Cavegirl: The secret place Big Sis: I'll be there Cavegirl: (to Chief's Son) You were right Chief's Son: Something tells me not wanting to marry her, was probably the right decision [Cavegirl thrown into the Punishment Pit] Cavegirl: Oww....ooowhahaooow Dad: And you'll stay in the Punishment Pit, until you tell me...where Big Sis is Cavegirl: Never! There's a principle here. Big Sis has a right to choose...You have to respect what she wants. It's called women's rights. Big Sis isn't going to marry someone she doesn't love Dad: I've just had an idea. She doesn't have to marry him Cavegirl: Oh thanks Dad Dad: You'll do instead Cavegirl: What! [En route to the secret place] Cavegirl: I want Big Sis to marry him Chief: What about a woman's rights? Cavegirl: Stuff a woman's rights Dad: You said... Cavegirl: And stuff what I said Dad: You said the girls have a right to choose Cavegirl: Girls do have a right to choose. I'm a girl and I choose that Big Sis gets married and I don't. She's in here...Big Sis?...Big Sis please be in here...Big Sis! Cavegirl: (to herself) Nice one Cavegirl. Idiot. Marriage. Never going to happen. All I've got to do is run [Chief catches Cavegirl with a yelp] Cavegirl: I don't want to get married. I'm far too young Chief: Big Sis is not about. It's going to have to be you Dad: We don't always have a choice in these matters. I've never told your mother this, but when I was young, my father told me I had to marry someone. I've never told you this have I? Mum: Your father told you you had to marry someone? Dad: It was supposed to be for the good of the tribe...I'd never seen her...All I knew is what he told me. Mum: What did he tell you? Dad: That she was dumpy Mum: But your father didn't care? He was thinking of the tribe. Cavegirl: So how did you get out of it. Where is this woman now? Dad: I didn't get out of it. She's sitting next to you Mum: Me! I didn't know I was arranged. I thought you loved me [Mum runs off] Dad: I'm explaining to our daughter that sometimes we have to make sacrifices Mum: You made a sacrifice? All I've ever done for you is sacrifice. I sacrificied my youth, my future...But I didn't care, because I believed you loved me...And now you want me to sacrifice my dignity...Get lost [Big Sis sneaks up to Mum] Big Sis: Shhh Dad: Mum! I don't see what all the fuss is about Cavegirl: Mum! Chief: We've got a marriage to go to Cavegirl: Don't want to get married Chief: I don't give a stuff what you want. My boy needs a wife Cavegirl: Dad! Dad! Dad: Mum? Mum! [Nearby] Big Sis: Cavegirl saved me. We'll save her Mum: What's he doing? Big Sis: Who cares? Come on Dad: (reminiscing) Mum?...Mum?...Cavegirl [Other village, Cavegirl and Chief's son standing with sacks over heads] Chief: She wants him to know that she will adore his face forever. He wants her to know, that if the cave isn't tidy, you'll sleep outside...with the dogs. And if anyone here has a problem with the proceedings, please speak. Anyone? Cavegirl: (garbled through gag) Chief: No? Cavegirl: (garbled through gag) Chief: Good, move on [Sounds of mayhem, tribe all knocked out on the ground. The sack is lifted from Cavegirl's face] Mum: You OK? Let's go Cavegirl: I'm still tied Mum: Bring him [Chief comes round] Chief: Oi! [Back at the village] Dad: Mum, Cavegirl Stiks: They went that way [Big Sis hides as the rest run for it] Big Sis: OK. Let's slow it down a bit shall we? All this chasing about, I'm exhausted [The Drummer, who happens to be right there, slows down the drum rhytm] Drummer: Oh, right [Fleeing group stop to catch breath] Cavegirl: Thanks for saving me Mum Chief's Son: And tell your Mum, thanks for saving me Cavegirl: He says thanks for saving him Mum: Everyone should choose who they should marry, so he's welcome Cavegirl: She says your welcome Cavegirl: (thinking) She says why are you so pleased to be saved from marrying her daughter. What's wrong with her daughter? Chief's Son: She didn't say that Cavegirl: OK, I'm saying it Chief: Oi, come here Mum: Come on! Cavegirl: I want to know why you don't want to ma... [Dad passes Big Sis] Big Sis: Dad Dad: Where's yer mother? Big Sis: Not telling you Dad: Where's your mother! [Big Sis thumbs the direction] Dad: (to Drummer) And you can pick up the pace a bit too...I've got some serious running to do [Frantic drumming] [Cavegirl and Chief's son stop to rest] Cavegirl: Not that I'm bothered. But why don't you want me? Chief's Son: Well if you're anything like your sister you'll probably make a rubbish wife Cavegirl: I'm nothing like my sister, and even if was you'd probably make a rubbish husband Chief's Son: Actually no, one day I want to be a good husband. Got it all planned. Cave down by the sea, take my wife for walks on the beach, no family to annoy us, and when the sun goes down, and the water sparkles, hold her close to me, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her Cavegirl: (sigh) [Chief grabs son and Cavegirl by scruff of neck] Chief: Right, you two back to the village and get married Cavegirl: OK Mum: What do you mean OK? Cavegirl: Little cave down by the sea... Chief's Son: Well away from the family... Cavegirl: Walks on the beach... Chief's Son: Every night... Cavegirl: And you'll hold me close and kiss me and tell me you love me... Chief's Son: Yeah Cavegirl: (sigh) Like I say, OK Mum: She doesn't mean OK [Mum drags Cavegirl off] Cavegirl: But I want to marry him Mum: No you don't Chief: An arranged marriage is a wonderful thing Dad: (just arriving) What's going on? Where's my wife? Mum: All these years I thought your dad loved me Dad: Muuuum! Mum: And all these years he thought I was a dumpy old bag...Well I can assure you Cavegirl you're not spending your married life unloved Cavegirl: But I want to marry him Dad: Well you can't...The only arranged marriage I've known work is mine and your mother's...I loved her from the moment I saw her Mum: Really? Dad: Really Chief: What about our deal? Dad: Stuff the deal Chief: You need land for a warning drum Dad: I don't care who attacks us...I don't care what they take...No one's taking my daughter Mum: So the marriage is off? Dad: No...The marriage is most definitely on Cavegirl: (to herself) Again I stand listening to marriage vows, however, this time the words have changed a bit [Mum and Dad take off sacks] Mum: You'll do as you're told? Dad: OK Cavegirl: (to herself) Aaaah, sweet really. Dad wants to renew their vows Dad: I want you to know how much I love you...How much you mean to the family...and me...and how much you mean to my world Cavegirl: (to herself) Excellent. Me and the boy have agreed to meet later. I get all the good stuff without being stuck for life |
last updated Jan 7th 06
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